Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy

Surviving my childhood Part 2 AKA Dumpster Diving

2010-04-24T09:08:00.004-04:00

Don't feel sympathy for me yet, let me explain. It's not that kind of dumpster diving. When I was a kid, my mom and my grandmother both did "Trash for Cash" or refunding as they called it. For those of you unfamiliar with refunding, you turn in a UPC code(s) or box tops or full labels or whatever that particular manufacturer was requesting along with the rebate form and in 4-6 weeks, you get money.

So.. my mom and granny weren't just occasional refunders, they were FANATICS! SO much so, out garage was tuned into a storage place for lack of a better word trash! (see this post for more about that) Boxes and boxes and boxes on shelves and shelves and shelves of trash. Boxes were all labeled so if a refund offer was requesting a box top from a box of crackers, she would know right where to look.

Back to the point of this post before I forget it all together.

When I was with my mom, she was always on the lookout for anything she might be currently needing for a rebate. That meant, pulling over on the side of the road if she saw something. Depending on the road, she would send me or my brother out of the car to get it, or if it was a busy road, she'd get it herself.

Sometimes, she would park behind a store and peek in the dumpster. If she say something she needed.. you guessed it, either my brother, cousin, or myself were boosted into the dumpster and displayed various boxes, bottles, labels..etc for their approval. ~~once, I saw a perfectly good half eaten sandwich while I was in there and pretended to be digging for more stuff for them while I ate it.~~

Then there were the coupons. Though that was not nearly as weird as the dumpster diving, it was still pretty hazardous. I had paper cuts to the billionth power form cutting them out, sorting, and throwing away the expired ones for her. I made the mistake of telling her how fun that was once... it became my job until I went on strike and refused to do it.

So there you have it! Now that you have read those last 2 posts..it explains a LOT about me, doesn't it?

Surviving my childhood Part 1

2010-04-21T06:30:00.000-04:00

I know we have our share of crazy stories to tell from childhood. Time to tell mine.

My dad is a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for about 14 years now. My mom worked at her own ceramic shop full time. My dad also had a full time job. How he was able to go to work everyday still remains a mystery.

As a kid, if my mom was working nights, like she sometimes did, it was up to my dad to watch my brother and I. He watched us through beer goggles, so we pretty much got to do whatever we wanted. Hell, even sober, he didn't really care what we did.

He had some old collectors trucks in our back yard. He was going to restore them. You know.. someday. My brother, my cousin and myself would go in the back yard, which also served as a trash burning pit, and jump from top of truck to top of truck. We would also attempt to push each other in the fire. No one ever got hurt, thank God, but we could have.

When we got older, my dad used to let us drive the old Vega station wagon. On our street which was never very populated (unlike now) My brother, who is 3 years older than I, would drive, and I would ride on the roof holding on to the luggage rack. Don't worry, my dad was in the passenger seat, so it was OK!

When I was 12, my dad let me drive. My brother rode on the roof. As I was pulling into the driveway, I got mixed up with the gas and brake, so as I approached the pine tree I panicked and floored the ~~brake~~ gas pedal. I heard my brother all 'George-of-the-Jungle' like "watch out for that tree" But, it was too late. I hit it, not with full force because somehow I managed to let off the gas before we hit.. maybe at 15 MPH. My brother was able to stay on the roof.

When I was about 6, I was riding in one of my dads old cars. I can't remember what it was, but back then, there were no seatbelts.I was leaning against the door for whatever reason. The door wasn't shut tight. We went around a corner and you guessed it, I fell out of the car and rolled acrossed the road. Lucky for me, he was sober and we weren't driving very fast. Otherwise, he might have left me there.

If one of us kids got hurt, dad's solution for anything bleeding was to pour alcohol on it. Straight from the bottle. So of course, after we got back to the house, he emptied half a bottle of rubbing alcohol on my wounds.

There is a big hill in my neighborhood (I still live on the same street I grew up on) I tied my Big Wheel to the back of my bike and my cousin and I took off for the hill. She rode the Big Wheel. We were going pretty fast down the hill when she fell off. Her foot got caught and I dragged her for about 25 feet before I realize those were screams of terror and pain, not of joy that I was hearing. We managed to get her back to the house where my dad "took care" of the wounds. My cousin hated him for a while.

If my mom was home and he was passed out (though just yesterday he claimed he was exhausted and sleeping) with a beer in his hand, my mom would show us how to take the full beer can from his limp hand and dump it in the sink and return it without waking him up. That became our nightly entertainment. We would also find his beer that he would hide from Mom and "dump" it. Sometimes it was a 12 pack, sometimes just a 6. Needles to say, as teenagers, we were popular with the neighborhood kids when we found the beer in the woods.

Hide and seek was always fun. We played in the house. My dad would help one of us climb into the attic. No stairs or ladder, just shelves that my mom used for her "trash for cash". But that's a whole other story, one for another blog post.

He would help us climb the shelves so we didn't have to bother him anymore. He would help us climb into the top of the narrow linen closet. It was IMPOSSIBLE to find someone, because there was no light. If you giggled... you were toast.

Dad also has a few poems that he could only recite when he was drunk, they were funny as hell, but I can't find them on the internet. One of my favorites is "Pierre Hunts the Skunk" absolutely hilarious, but as many times as I have heard it, I can't remember it. I am going to have to get him drunk one night so he can recite it, then I'll write it down

WOW! This post was longer than I intended it to be, but if you stayed to the end, thank you.

I will post some of my "Mom adventures" another time

My dad , his euphenisims and a nephrectomy

2010-04-20T06:00:00.000-04:00

My dad went into the hospital last Tuesday to have a nephrectomy.. or in layman's terms, a kidney removed. It was cancerous, but the Dr said there was no spread and since the other kidney is healthy, no need for chemo. Thank God for that!

Dad has a helluva sense of humor (another reason I know I'm not adopted) and he had everyone in pre-op and post-op in stitches.

He was in the navy for 20 years and of course he has a lot of stories, antidotes and jokes to tell. NEVER is he at a loss for one of the 3 to share at any given situation. Dad was telling a story to a male nurse Mike, who kept calling him 'sir.' My dad told him, in the Navy, if he was addressed as 'sir' he would tell them "You don't have to call me sir, I'm no better than you." After telling the story, Mike called dad 'sir' (out of respect, not to be a smartass) Of course Dad said, "Get the wax outta your ears, didn't you hear the story I just told?" Mike laughed and changed the subject. "So you're a Navy man huh? What's the matter, the Army didn't want you?" My dad took a big breath, grinned and said, "No, it's not that, I was too damned intelligent for the Army" That brought a lot of laughs. Shortly after, they knocked him out. Coincidence? I think not!

Surgery went well. After recovery, they wheeled him back to his room. The nurse were amazed! They couldn't shut him up and have never seen anything like him coming out of recovery. He was coherent, but they couldn't understand his euphemisms. They laughed politely to humor him though. They cracked up when I explained what he meant.

As you may or may not know, they starve you and "clean your pipes" before surgery. So when he woke up, he told them "I feel like your belly button is gnawing a hole in my spine", or "My stomach feels like my throat's been cut, or my asshole is eating my underwear". When they asked me I said "Oh.. he's just going around his ass to get to his elbow to say ' I'm hungry' " About this time, they were ready to move us both to the 6th floor (psychiatric ward.) He would tell a joke about 2 bulls (he told it about 4,363,855,837,363 times) but I can't remember it. I think I blocked it out.

They gave him a meal of solid foods right after the operation, which is dumb because it just blocked him up. (this hospital REALLY sucks) So after 4 days of him not being able to go #2, they decided to give him laxatives, suppositories and an enema. By yesterday he was "shitting 20 paces through a keyhole and not hitting the sides" He called me and said "I passed a BIG milestone a few minutes ago" I was laughing so hard "Is THAT what you call it?"

I brought him home last night, hopefully he won't drive my step-mother crazy.

There you have it, if you ever wondered about my humor, wonder no more.

Revelations ... no not of biblical proportions

2010-04-18T08:00:00.003-04:00

I got my birth certificate in the mail last week and was horrified to learn I was NOT adopted. I also learned that I was not born, but dispensed like a Pez candy. Not in a hospital, but in a Naval Weapons Center. Yes.. I can hear you all! It does explain EVERYTHING you all have come to learn about me doesn't it? Seriously, on my birth certificate, it says "Place of Birth.. Dispensary", like I was a developed weapon or some shit. "Street address.. Naval Weapons Center. " Which happens to be in the middle of a desert on California. Growing up, I used to tell my friends that I was born in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Because that was the only named desert I knew.

Why am I just now getting my birth certificate? My mom says she gave me my birth certificate when I go married, but I don't remember, and I don't have it so I was just hoping against hope that I was indeed adopted. The problem with that theory is that I am too much like both of them not to be adopted. Now I am assuming it was my brother who was adopted, because he's not like any of us. I haven't seen his birth certificate though.

Anyway, I was a dumbass at let my drivers license expire. I got online to renew it and guess what? You got it! It wasn't that easy. Due to the new Homeland Security laws put in place, you need so much more. In Florida, you need birth certificate, marriage license (if your last name changed), social security card (or a tax document showing SS number) 2 proofs of residence (state issued ID's wont work) you need a utility or mortgage bill, car or voters registration, bank statement etc.) I also didn't have (because I never ordered it) my marriage license. Luckily, you can order these documents on-line, no matter what state you are in now, or in what state the event happened. Mine all came within a week of ordering them a day BEFORE my appointment. THAT, my friends is a miracle all in itself. I NEVER have that kind of luck. Before all of this happened, I was thinking about legally changing my name to 'Murphy Murphy Murphy' just to accommodate the law my life has been living. When I saw the paperwork required just to renew my license though, I quickly changed my mind.

When I got to the DMV there was a long line ahead of me...SURPRISE! But I had an appointment. The 9 people in front of me, didn't have all the required documents they needed. ~~apparently they were dumbassses too~~ Then yell at the girl behind the counter. Lucky for her, I did all of my homework and came with all the right stuff. To watch her face when I gave her the blood, urine and stool samples was priceless.

PS Go check out my daughters blog. She picked a helluva a topic to make her blog-comeback

It's been so long I don't know if I remember how to blog...

2010-04-17T10:24:00.002-04:00

..and my blank post box is mocking me daring me to come up with something good. I've lost followers (can't say that I blame them) I have no good excuses as to why I stopped blogging, just really lame ones like "I'm working a lot of overtime" and "I'm addicted to a video game and Twitter."

But recently, I have discovered that I miss not just writing my blog, but reading yours as well. I miss all of you and I feel bad, especially when I see some of you on Twitter. Every time I see your names, I wonder "What I'm missing on their blogs today?" I used to blog at work, but we are understaffed and therefor VERY busy, so I can't do it there, I cant even write 140 charaters or less between calls.

Well, enough excuses, I am going to promise to at least TRY to write at least one post a week and be a lot better at reading all of yours .

That's what I was afraid of.. it's been so long, this isn't even funny.. well maybe tomorrow.

Baby steps people baby steps

could it be?

2009-11-04T07:39:00.005-05:00

I got up at 6:30 this morning to drive the 10 miles or so to Wally World to buy a new CD player for work, the new Wolfmother CD and a new alarm clock for home. My Cd player that is relatively new, doesn't always play all of my burned CDs. The annoying and important part of the clock stopped working. You know, the part that makes that gawd-awful noise first thing in the morning....yeah... it doesn't make that noise anymore. Wolfmother just kicks ass.. 'nuff said.

So, instead of playing CoD4 (see my last post) I got up at 6:30 showered, dressed and drove to Wally World. All the while, talking to myself, reasoning that "Dammit I deserve these things!" As I get closer, I begin talking myself OUT of these things. If anyone were to look in the car, they would surely think I had gone mad, arguing and yelling at myself in the mirror. By the time I got there, I had talked myself out of it ALL.

I DON'T need a new CD player, there is always the only rock station Orlando has.. but it sucks. Besides if I beat on the CD player long enough, it WILL eventually play the Cds. Besides, Christmas is coming, money's tight; why not let someone get it for me? I don't need a new alarm clock; all of my animals as well as my internal clock usually wake be up WAY before I have to be up in the morning. Besides, once someone buys me the new player for Christmas hint hint the player I have here has an alarm that actually works, so I can just replace it. I don't need the new Wolfmother CD, again, Christmas is coming and everyone in my family loves that band so surely someone will get it.

So there I am 7:06 at the turn lane for Wally World. I turn in, then pull into the Chick-Fil-A parking lot instead; it's right next to Wally World. I place my order, get my total: $6.66. I pull around to the window (HA! I typed 'winder' first... damn Southern drawl) and told the girl there was a problem with my total. She thought she did something wrong a reassured me it was correct. I said, "Oh I don't doubt that, but its 666. So I had her put on another coffee just to change the total. On my drive back I noticed the full or almost full moon in the sky.. good thing I had her change that total.

So essentially, I got up at 6:30am JUST to go to Chick-Fil-A get a 666 number and see that it was full moon.. Dammit I should have stayed in bed.

Signs of addiction to a 1st person shooter game

2009-10-17T11:31:00.003-04:00

You may have noticed that I haven't posted in a week. This is because I work and when I come home, Call of Duty Modern Warfare sucks me in deep.

You know you are addicted when:

You stop blogging
You wake up and start playing
You stay up playing into the wee hours in the morning though you know you have to get up a few hours later to work
You dream about the game, the different maps and you wake up exhausted from all of the shooting and stabbing and killing you did all night while sleeping.
When you go outside and see something moving you think.. "I gotta shoot that!"
All of the real life scenery reminds you of a map in the game.
When walking into a real life building, you look for claymores or people crouching in the corner ready to destroy you.
When in face to face conversation with someone, you look above their heads to see if their names are green (friend) or red (enemy)
The slightest noise you hear that reminds you of a gunshot or a claymore going off or any signs of danger, you run and take cover under your bosses desk.
If there is helicopter flying around above your house, you can't help but wonder, "Is that their chopper or ours?" Then start looking for something to shoot it down out of the sky.
Your teenage kids beg you to stop playing because you have been on for 7 hours straight and they would like to play.
You wont let anyone else play until you get promoted.
The only reason you are blogging is because the kids drugged you, took over the game and when you woke up you discover you are tied to your computer char with just enough mobility in your arms to type.

OK must go now, The Boy just signed off the game and is going to mow the lawn. At least SOMEONE is being productive around here.

Mad Lib Monday: Prom Night Part 1

2009-10-12T14:00:00.001-04:00

Today's post is a result of yesterday's post:

One of the first and finest major horror films of all times was called Mother Mary,
about a teenage snake who was wet. She went to Dizzblnd Academy for the Deaf, Dumb and Bloggerly Challenged and she got good grades in weeds and running, but she was always behaving objectively and did not like her fellow butt cheeks. This is because they did not like her. They all thought she was pretty and a politician.

So at the end of her senior colon, this girl was not invited to the slippery prom. All of the other students had dates and new panties to wear (who wears panties to a prom? hehehe) But treated their classmate as if she were really pink. And she behaved so delightfully it was horrifying.

Thanks everyone for playing! I'll try to do it again next Sunday if I remember!

Reader Participation Sunday

2009-10-11T14:45:00.002-04:00

The rules are very easy so if you are still confused after all of this time or if this is your first time here please read:

Here are the rules: On Sundays I will gather from you, my hopefully loyal stalkers and lost bloggers what I need to complete the Mad Lib. I won't tell you the title of the Mad Lib. It will simply say Reader Participation Sunday. I will ask my commenters for the required verbs, nouns, adjectives.. whatever. EVERYONE will give me EACH word I ask for when they comment or else! (for example, if I ask for 14 words, EACH of you give me EACH of the 14 words I ask.) Then I will post the whole story with the title on Monday morning with links of the words to the respective blogger. Like this one
If you don't get a chance to play today, don't worry, I will do it every Sunday and Monday until you tell me you are ready to gouge your eyes out. So stay tuned.
Simple enough? Good.
For those that may have flunked English or forgotten everything you have learned.. Here is a refresher:

Noun: Person, place or thing

Plural noun: More than 1 person place or thing, usually ending in s or es

Verb: An action word (etc run, jump, play)

Verb ending in "ing": see above, just add ing (duh)

Adjective: word that describes something (etc.. beautiful, quick, blue)

Adverb: Word that ends in "ly" it describes a verb (etc, quickly, quietly, hurriedly)

That's the basic English terms. If you've ever done Mad Libs, you know they ask for other things too. OK Got it? Here we go:

1. Female Person in room

2. Something alive

3. Adjective

4. School

5. Plural Noun

6. Verb ending in 'ing'

7. Adverb

8. Plural Noun

9. Adjective

10. Silly word

11. Noun

12. Adjective

13. Article of Clothing (plural)

14. Adjective

15. Adverb

Happy Hour Friday

2009-10-09T07:11:00.003-04:00

I am happy that so many people made 1 man feel like a million on his birthday yesterday. He truly is a great guy. I can say that without ever having met him.

I am happy to know such wonderful people that live inside my computer.

My pets make me happy. Especially my cat when she climbs on my lays down and purrs until I think her motor is going to break. I don't even have to pet her. She just loves me that much.

hmmmmmmmm that's all I can think of this early. Maybe once at work I will think of more

Something About Otin

2009-10-08T06:48:00.004-04:00

Blah, blah...blah, blah, blah, otin! Blah, blah, blah, BLAH ~ BLAH ~ BLAH! OTIN! Blah, blah, blah, otin

What is it about Otin? Well if you have ever read his blog, you would know.

These women know

They secretly Stalk him on a daily basis.

These dirty women were on their way to pop naked out of his birthday cake when they got stuck in the mud

She is thinking about him right now!

This one is coming to your house now to give you birthday spankings!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OTIN!

WTF is it?

2009-10-07T07:17:00.002-04:00

First I want to say thank you to all my loyal bloggy friends. You guys make me smile with your kind words. I appreciate your support

No time for a real post.. I got up late and gotta get ready for work.

I saw this commercial and it cracked me up! It will probably be banned soon, so I wanted you all to see it.

TTFN

Blog Blahs

2009-10-06T07:12:00.002-04:00

Just a post to let you all know I AM still alive. I know, I know, it seems like FOREVER since my last post. 3 days IS forever in bloggyland. I don't know why I haven't been posting or visiting any of you. I feel badly about it. Must be just a funk. I hope I get out of it soon.

I have been blogging for almost a year, and that is about my attention span for any new found addiction. I don't think this means I will stop blogging altogether.. just maybe not as often.

Anyway, I am at work, on break I just wanted to let you all know I am still kicking around.

Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness.. Quirky.. this one is for you!

2009-10-02T15:30:00.001-04:00

Finally a comprehensive college certified Zombie Apocalypse disaster plan.

Students at UCF (University of Central Florida) in Gainesville have come up with plan to deal with the inevitable.

They put it in PDF form so that you can print it and have it with you at all times.

Here's the link

*This plan includes identifying zombie outbreak characteristics:

a. Disappearance of isolated citizens, initially in relatively remote areas;
b. Increasing numbers of gruesome unexplained deaths and disappearances, especially at night;
c. Identification of difficult to kill, flesh-eating perpetrators;
d. Recognition that the numbers of perpetrators is rapidly increasing and that those previously
identified as victims have reappeared as perpetrators;
e. Increasing isolation of survivors;
f. Breakdown of peace-keeping and medical services;
g. Documentation of lots of strange moaning.

They include links to other agencies who have prepared
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/boston-police-zombie-defense
http://io9.com/5286145/a-harvard-psychiatrist-explains-zombie-neurobiology.
(http://blogs.theelusivefish.com/madscience/2006/02/23/syracuse-universityand-
the-underground-zombie-studies/); Stanford University (see http://wwwformal.
stanford.edu/jmc/zombie/zombie.html)ong others.

There is also a form for you to fill out if you suspect someone is a Zombie

INFECTED CO-WORKER DISPATCH FORM
Personal Information
Name: ___________________________________________________________ UFID: ___________
Work Phone: _________________ Work Address: _________________________________________
Work Department/Unit: _________________________________________________________________
Incident Information
Date of Incident: ___________________ Location: _________________________________________
This is to verify that at the time and place indicated above I was required to kill _____________________
(last name)
_____________________, UFID # _______________ because he / she was displaying the following
(last name) (if known)
symptoms of ZBSD, or Zombie Behavior Spectrum Disorder (check all that apply):
_____ headache
_____ fever
_____ chills
_____ other flu-like symptoms
_____ unresponsive to most stimuli
_____ moaning
_____ references to wanting to eat brains
_____ recently dead but moving again
_____ large areas of decaying flesh or open wounds
_____ lack of rational thought (this can cause problems confusing zombies with managers)
_____ killed and ate another employee:
_____________________________________________
(name and unit of other employee)
Based on these symptoms I killed
____________________________________________ using a:
(name of dispatched zombie)
_____ handgun _____ rifle
_____ shotgun _____ baseball bat
_____ chainsaw _____ piece of furniture
_____ explosive device - _________________________________________________________
(describe device)
_____ other - _________________________________________________________________
(describe)
Dispatching Employee Signature: _________________________________________________________
P a g e | 6
Witnessses:
_____________________ _____________________ ______________ ________________________
(last name) (first name) (UFID #) (unit)
______________________________________________________________
(witness signature)
_____________________ _____________________ ______________ ________________________
(last name) (first name) (UFID #) (unit)
______________________________________________________________
(witness signature)
_____________________ _____________________ ______________ ________________________
(last name) (first name) (UFID #) (unit)
______________________________________________________________
(witness signature)
DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE - TO BE COMPLETED BY UNIVERSITY ADMINISTRATION
Reviewed by: ________________________________________ _____________________________
(name) (title)
Dispatch is: _____ Approved
_____ Physical plant has been notified to send housekeeping for cleanup
_____ Employee has been sent additional ammunition (as appropriate)
_____ HR has been notified to stop salary payments to dispatched employee and victims (if any)
Dispatch is: _____ Not Approved
_____ Physical plant has been notified to send housekeeping for cleanup
_____ Employee supervisor has been notified to write letter of reprimand for employee file
_____ HR has been notified to stop salary payments to dispatched employee and victims (if any)
_____ This is a first offence [If this is a repeat offence, employee supervisor should be notified to initiate
termination procedures. Improperly dispatching UF employees shall receive little toleration.]

You must check it out to get the full benefit... before it's too late!

*All of this comes from the link provided. I did no write it nor am I taking credit for any of it.

Sorry to see you go.....

2009-10-01T07:00:00.003-04:00

Yesterday at work my friend was telling me about her budget. Her and her husband sat down together and they figured out where a lot of their money was going. Food, mortgage, utilities.. you know, the usual. Then they started to realize that they were spending about the same money as they always have in all categories. So where was their money going... AH! "The Boy" (not mine.. theirs). $60 for a theme park, $140 for meds, $20 for movies.. you know.. typical 15 year old jobless child.

After much discussion and long hours of debate, they came to a decision.
They sat down with him and broke the news.

"Son, we have discovered that you are sucking us dry. Understand we do love you, but due to budget cuts, we're going to have to let you go"

That's right! They "laid off" their only offspring.

BRILLIANT!

Why didn't I think about doing that myself? I could have saved myself thousands.

If any of you still have jobless money sucking minions hanging around, I would suggest you do the same.

Wednesday Whatnots

2009-09-30T07:11:00.005-04:00

I woke up yesterday thinking it was Wednesday. I even said "Happy Humpday" to my hubby after my first cup 'o coffee. I should have went back to bed when he gave me a funny look and said "uhhhhhh it's Tuesday." SHIT! The rest of the day sucked! My callers were assholes, we were understaffed and the system went down during our busiest hour. FUCK!

Today isn't much better.. lets just say I woke up at 4:30 this morning with extreme intestinal malfunction. Yeah.. So far the Immodium hasn't kicked in .. sigh.

Ok off to happier things if I didn't already lose you all.

I keep meaning to tell you about this childhood memory because it is a funny one.

When my cousin and I were old enough to bathe ourselves without supervision.. we did. After we were done, we would pick the bath mats up from the floor, filled some of the toys up with water, empty them on the slippery when wet linoleum floors. Still nekkid, we would sit on the soaked floor, push off with our feet on the bathtub or wall and slide across the floor on our asses. Laughing and squealing permeated down the hall, into the living room and to my mom's ears. She busted open the bathroom door, yelled at us, then spanked our bare wet asses and made us clean up the mess. Did we learn? Hell no.. we were 7 or 8 we did it at least 2 more times before it got old.

My dad "collected" old vans. When I say collected, I mean he bought them and they were left outside in the elements sided by side. If I recall, cause again, I was only around 7-9 years old, there were four of them. When my mom was gone, my dad would "babysit". When I say babysit, I mean he was passed out drunk and we could do whatever we wanted. So my brother, the above mentioned cousin and a few friends would go outside and jump from van roof to van roof. We also had an above-ground pool. We would balance around the edge of the pool to see who could go all the way around.

My mom would come home, yell at my dad, at us then send us to our rooms and send our friends home.

I find it amazing I survived my childhood.. I'll share more stories another time

Happy Humpday Eve Funnies

2009-09-29T06:49:00.006-04:00

Mad Lib Monday: A TV Horror Show

2009-09-28T06:00:00.002-04:00

Today's post is a result of yesterday's post:

Last week I saw a television show that really gave me the mole pimples! It starred Shreena as a mad gynecologist.
who discovers a way to make bedbugs 14FT high. The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by nobody, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with a cereal bowl. So she lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up Alcatraz. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with lemon tea, but that doesn't bother those creamy bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Alcatraz. Then the army drops an atom church on them. This kills all but one super bedbug. It grabs the sour scientist and jumps into a volcano. Then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, " I was only a carpet fiber for the F.B.I." He marries the scientist's beautiful iTouch, who is played by Mr. Jones and they live happily ever after.

Thanks everyone for playing! I'll try to do it again next Sunday if I remember!

Reader Participation Sunday.. It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

2009-09-27T10:00:00.001-04:00

The rules are very easy so if you are still confused after all of this time or if this is your first time here please read:

Here are the rules: On Sundays I will gather from you, my hopefully loyal stalkers and lost bloggers what I need to complete the Mad Lib. I won't tell you the title of the Mad Lib. It will simply say Reader Participation Sunday. I will ask my commenters for the required verbs, nouns, adjectives.. whatever. EVERYONE will give me EACH word I ask for when they comment or else! (for example, if I ask for 14 words, EACH of you give me EACH of the 14 words I ask.) Then I will post the whole story with the title on Monday morning with links of the words to the respective blogger. Like this one
If you don't get a chance to play today, don't worry, I will do it every Sunday and Monday until you tell me you are ready to gouge your eyes out. So stay tuned.
Simple enough? Good.
For those that may have flunked English or forgotten everything you have learned.. Here is a refresher:

Noun: Person, place or thing

Plural noun: More than 1 person place or thing, usually ending in s or es

Verb: An action word (etc run, jump, play)

Verb ending in "ing": see above, just add ing (duh)

Adjective: word that describes something (etc.. beautiful, quick, blue)

Adverb: Word that ends in "ly" it describes a verb (etc, quickly, quietly, hurriedly)

That's the basic English terms. If you've ever done Mad Libs, you know they ask for other things too. OK Got it? Here we go:

1. Animal

2. Person in room

3. Occupation

4. Another person in the room

5. Noun

6. Place

7. Type of liquid

8. Adjective

9. Noun

10. Adjective

11. Noun

12. Noun

13. Another person in the room

14. Adverb

Yes I am nuts! Why do you ask?

2009-09-26T17:00:00.000-04:00

Soooooooooooooo I started another blog. This one is to post book reviews for thomasnelson.com
It is called Bibliophile and proud of it!

I don't have a title for this post

2009-09-25T07:00:00.004-04:00

I was driving by my city's park yesterday when I saw this.

Near this

I freaked out and got all paranoid because I did not see hide nor hair of the above mentioned state prisoners

Then I calmed down and thought that soon, I would see these guys looking for them

in this

and this

When I didn't see any signs of a search team, I hauled ass out of that area only stopping to pick up a couple of guys hitchhiking that looked like this

What? They looked nice enough.

As soon they got in, I knew I had made a mistake. They weren't practicing for Halloween at all, believe it or not they were part of the "prisoners at work" crew.

Who knew?

You know what I did? I turned right around and drove them back to where there sign was and made them promise to wait there until the guards came looking for them! They promised and told me they wouldn't say anything about me helping them escape.

Who says you can't trust convicts?

*some of the things in this story never actually happened.. but it made for a more interesting post didn't it?

Another Email Gem

2009-09-24T06:00:00.001-04:00

After trying for a good 3 minutes to come up with something original.. I gave up. So you are stuck with another email goody to make you laugh. Thanks to me SIL for sending me this funny:

This is a story by David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet – a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

United States of the Offended

2009-09-23T08:24:00.004-04:00

That title is borrowed from my husband (not sure if he made it up or if he heard it somewhere) This is what it seems we have become.

I am ranting today after watching a news story, if you are looking for funny from me today, I apologize.

The story that makes me irate can be found here
The story is about a fallen solider Lance Corporal Christopher Fowlkes who was killed in Afghanistan earlier this month. His casket was brought through the town in Gaffney, SC to be honored. A friend or family member put American flags along the route to help honor him.

Included in the route was the Bank of America. A bank employee came out and pulled the flags up stating "he was afraid it would offend some of their customers"

WHAT? Wait a minute. The banks name is Bank of AMERICA. It's logo looks oddly enough like an American flag

It seems to me that anybody who would be offended wouldn't bank there.
To be fair, "The company said in a statement, "This was all a big miscommunication between their corporate office and the branch. The bank does fly the American flag at our locations throughout the country and flags were displayed in front of our banking center in Gaffney the evening prior to our dedicated Marine returning home. We deeply apologize for any misunderstandings."
This misunderstanding of one employee's interpretation of the rules has been met with Cherokee County and others closing their accounts with the bank.

I am saddened by the lowered standard of our country. If anyone is offended by what our country stands for; they should go back to where they came from or at the very least be as tolerant of us as they insist that we are to them.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of our Military past, present and future as well as for their proud families who live in fear from day to day that they might never see their loved ones again.

It sounds dirty, but it's not

2009-09-22T09:23:00.002-04:00

I was watching the news a while back and I saw this caption under ~~Nasty~~ Nancy Pelosi's picture:

"Nancy Pelosi flexes her clout." I thought, "Ewwwwwwwwwwww I don't even WANT to know what part of the anatomy her clout is." Then I wondered why the media thought is so important that the world should know this disgusting fact. Who in the hell would want to see her clout? Not I.

OK OK I'll confess. I am a walking talking dictionary. I know what clout means, but it just caught me off guard and in my usual gutter-mind mode, I couldn't help but laugh.

Don't worry, I'll save you the trouble of looking it up: Dictionary.com defines clout in this sense of the word as: Informal. pull; strong influence; muscle, esp. political power: a wealthy campaign contributor with clout at city hall.

Now that you have learned a new word, go out and use it as dirtily as possible!

In case you cant read it. The caption on my post pic says "If not for the gutter, my mind would be homeless" I found it very apropos.

Bad Chili

2009-09-21T06:40:00.001-04:00

My back has been hurting, so I have not been able to really sit down and comment and/or read blogs. Nor can I sit down long enough to do an original blog. I did laundry all day, because it hurt to sit, hurt to stand, hurt to do laundry, but at least I did SOMETHING. I do apologize. Anyway, I received this in my email this morning... it was too funny NOT to share. Some of you can relate (I know I can)

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to "Poop yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a-- cheeks WILL fall off.

Here 's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2." Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh-oh, gotta-go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. BIG mistake...

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down," if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grandmal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God," floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor gal walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe." She made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "What the F " then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, Mamn, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me laughing again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!" then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store...

Kitties!

2009-09-19T13:10:00.003-04:00

I was looking to see what good stuff I could find on my local Yahoo Freecycle group.

This one caught my eye. It was very creative and made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you all.

I did NOT write it

Offer- Certified Pre-owned cats!

They come in many makes and models, loaded with adorable features, low mileage,
motors run purrfectly! Best of all, they're available with $0 down/0% financing.
What's more, their value actually increases when you take them home! In stock
models have a multipoint inspection included and a Catfax history! Take one
home today! Somebody here needs you!

Anybody want a cat?

Happy Hour Friday

2009-09-18T06:41:00.005-04:00

I introduced Otin to some of you in yesterday's post He and a few others have come up with this Friday theme. If you all know me well enough, you know I usually don't follow the crowd with themes and meme's and whatever. THIS one, I like, for it gives me a chance to express my joy.

From Otin's page:

"In Emails with RxBambi, a great friend of mine, we decided to co host a Friday post called "Happy hour Friday". Actually it started out as Happy Friday, but Hit 40 threw in the Hour part, and made the little picture! (WTF Did I really do?)lol. Friday is the end of the work week, and a doorway to free time and hopefully fun. Just list some things that make you happy, and Have a fun weekend! BE SURE TO VISIT RX BAMBI and HIT 40! :)"

Now my list:

I am happy:

the woman that backed into my car accepted responsibility for it even though there was a witness on her side, but no police report filed or any other witnesses.

my car gets out of the repair shop today.

I have a good paying job with great benefits for 9 1/2 years

when I can make other people laugh, either on-line or off line. Even if they are laughing at my expense

when I am able to donate either money or time to those in need.

my family is happy and healthy

for being able to be me around family and friends and them not shunning me in return.

when I you run (or wheel)around nekkid in the rain yelling "DIZZBLND LOVES ME"

new seasons of my favorite TV shows are on and that new shows are premiering

That's all I can think of now.

My "I have nothing to blog about" post

2009-09-17T06:25:00.003-04:00

Yeeeeeeeeeah so nothing blogworhty has happened for the past few days. Nor can I think of anything original to make you all laugh. So, some of you will be getting awards. YAY. Try to contain your excitement.

It has been sooooooooooooooo long since I have given awards, I forgot all the rules..

Wait some are coming back to me.

Anyone who gets my homemade award, which by the way I have bestowed it on only one other person Ann from Ann's Rants MUST:

Run outside naked in the rain while screaming at the top of your lungs "DIZZBLND LOVES ME"

Print the award and post it all over your house, work and car and where ever else you will be reminded how lucky you are to get this.

Send me $1000 dollars via secret offshore bank account, I will contact you all with the info later.

Post it on your blog or not, it matters not to me.

Without further ~~bullshit~~ ado, I award the "Cracking Creativity" award to a few bloggers who impress me ALL the time with their originality.

You should check out Otin's blog, because you never know if you are going to laugh, cray, be scared shitless or any of a wide range of emotions.

You should check out Quirkyloon because she is always making up poems, song parodies and zombie stories

You should really check out Mango Girl, she has all of her readers on the edge of our seats writing her true story about her life on an exclusive island. VERY intriguing.

Definitely check out Travis at One Word, One Rung, One Day He is a terrific writer and a great guy!. He does a "My Town Monday" post where he gives a little history behind his hometown.

That being done, I have to thank Mango Girl for this award:

I hope you don't think I am ungrateful. I know you posted it a while ago and I never said thank you

I also need to thank Reforming Geek for this award:

If any of you gave me an award and I didn't know it, please consider this my "thank you"

If you are highly creative and I didn't give you an award, please forgive me, my brain can only remember so much in the morning (like remembering to hit "publish at 7am this morning, instead of finding I forgot to hit at all and didn't do so until 7 oclock tonight..)

Hopefully, I will win the lottery, or an unknown long lost uncle will die and leave me billions, or a spaceship will land in my back yard and lotsa little gray men will come out and probe me in unmentionable places.

If none of those things happen, you might be stuck with reruns, so pray for something exciting, but good to happen.

PS... Sheeeeeeee's Back! After a temporary lapse of sanity Sassy from The Life of Sass has come back to us! She missed us all too much! Go give her a big welcome back!

I Survived!

2009-09-13T16:00:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I went to the very first Alumni Powder Puff football practice at my old high school. I had prayed for thunder and lighting so we didn't have to practice. Fortunately it didn't happen.

I had more fun than I thought I would have. When we got there, I recognized 2 people from my graduating class. One of which I couldn't stand back in the day. I think the feeling was mutual. But as the day went on, I found out we DID grow up and forgot about all the past crap. ~~Partly because we're old and senile.~~

Our coach is a guy that graduated in '95. He's very competitive and was kind of disappointed to learn there was not going to be any tackling. He had to refrain several times from telling us to "get out there and rip someone apart." He also didn't know how to tell us to "spread our legs, bend over and touch the ground" when we were stretching. Of course we giggled, made fun of him turning red and moaned and groaned the whole time we were stretching. I think it turned him on.

The field was already wet from earlier rain. Being the dirty old bitties that we are, we couldn't help but giggle or making jokes ourselves about dirty, wet, squishy, small balls. You see, there were two balls (snicker) one was bigger and hard (snort) the other was small and squishy (HA!) We had to test out both balls to find which we preferred. It was a hard decision, because both the balls were equally slippery. We discovered that it didn't matter which balls we got to handle.

Our coach was very impressed by how quickly we picked up on the plays, the positions and the rules. Some of us actually like football, but most had no clue. The terms "hut" "receiver" and "running back" were very Greek. I had no problem though, my son played Pop Warner for 4 years and I am a die hard Dolphan, so I am very familiar with the game.

By the time practice was coming to an end, I didn't want to stop. I was having too much fun and so was everyone else. But everyone else had things to do, so we had to stop.

As I was getting into the car to go home, I realized there were muscles I didn't know I had already screaming at me (that's how I know I'm old.) I was hot, sweaty and tired. But it was 2 hours well spent and I can't wait to do it again next Saturday. Good thing the practices are a week apart, I think they knew our bodies would need that long to recover before punishing them again.

The actual game is during the homecoming game on Sept 30. We will only play 2 10 minute halves (thank God!) If it is a success, the school will decide to make it a new tradition ~~no pressure~~

I hope the commentary does not go as Otin predicted:

Announcer: ...And it is first down and the ball is snapped, it is handed off to Dizz, she runs, she is not touched but she just stopped?

Color commentator: It appears that she just ran out of breath, or maybe pulled a muscle.

Announcer: Yes, Bill, she is obviously injured, imagine what would have happened if she was actually chased?!

CC: Here comes the stretcher.

Announcer: She should have listened to her daughter. It looks like she will be fine, she just got the wind knocked out of her!

CC: Wind knocked out...by what?

Announcer: Old age, Bill, it will sack you every time!

Somebody call the paddy wagon.. I have officially lost it!

2009-09-12T06:57:00.005-04:00

My cousin asked me 2 weeks ago if I wanted to play alumni Powder Puff football at out old high school. I graduated in '90, she in '91. I reminded her that we are old and old people should not be playing sports. She begged me saying she already signed up, she didn't know anyone it will be fun, and besides, it is a great way to embarrass our offspring. We both have Srs at that school. I told her 'maybe' hoping that would satisfy her and that she would change her mind

When I told my daughter I would be playing, she rolled her eyes. "You were sore for a week after 1 day of yard work why in the world are you going to play football?" "Because my cousin is a bully and making me play"

I am watching radar now.. praying for rain (I am close to Deltona) sigh.. it is moving too slowly. Practice is at 9... it is 8 now .. sigh

Hubs just told me I should establish myself as soon as I get on the field "Let's get something straight right now, I didn't come here to run or do any other physical activity so don't expect much!"
What the fuck was I thinking <---Great song.. click on it

SHIT my cousin is here gotta go.. someone do a thunder and lightning rain dance please

My faith in humanity has been restored!

2009-09-11T10:25:00.004-04:00

In my very first epic length vlog, I told you about the woman that backed into my car in the parking lot of a grocery store. After a week of back and forth with the insurance company trying to get a hold of her, they did. However, it took 2 letters from them 3 messages on her cell phone and finally a threat to cancel her insurance if she did not contact them before 7 tonight (the accident happened a week ago today)for her to get back to them. Who knows, maybe she just didn't have time to return the call. State Farm just called me and told me she had accepted liability for the accident. Good thing too, because if you actually sat through the whole vlog, you will know that a police report was not filed. If you didn't watch it all ~~shame on you~~ now you know. So now I wait til Tuesday for the adjuster to come out and do an estimate for repairs.

In the vlog and off line, I never once had a bad thing to say about the woman who backed into me. When someone would ask what happened, I would say "A woman backed into me in the parking lot." Never did I say "some bitch hit me" or say anything negative about her at all. I was very nice to her right after it happened. Even though Aunt Flo visited me earlier that morning, I was able to stay calm and nice and tell her "shit happens" She was very nice to me. She apologized for the accident. She gave me all of her home phone number and her address. When I couldn't reach her by phone, I went to her house after realizing we didn't exchange insurance info. Then she gave me her local agent's phone number, insurance policy number, even the VIN number on her car.

I believe what comes around goes around and that the Universe listens and give back what you give. If I had spoken anything negative about her, or cussed her out or anything, I would not have gotten this end result. Some of you cynics might not want to believe otherwise, but I maintain positivity was the key! Besides, she could have claimed it wasn't her fault and/or she wasn't involved, but she didn't.

Positivity is a WONDERFUL thing!

On another note, my husband, who has been out of town since the end of July got home last night! Woooohoooooo. He looks like a beach bum with a farmers tan. Kinda hard to explain. I don't care what he looks like, I am just glad he's home. I took off work today to spend with him.

Last but not least. Keep praying for friends and family of 9/11. I will NEVER forget, nor will it EVER be easy to deal with the hurt, fear and emotions at the very mention of the date.

God Bless us all.

Should I be ashamed?

2009-09-08T06:00:00.001-04:00

What is it about you that attracts me so? You aren't shiny, you don't vibrate ~~unless I want you to.~~ I don't smoke you, inject you, ingest you or even snort you. I simply caress you with my fingers and stare, or grasp on to you with both hands and move my fingers just so until explosions shake us both.

There is an understanding in this ménage à trois. No words are exchanged, no words are needed. No jealousy, no hurt feelings; just pure unadulterated joy!

We do it every day and every night. Sometimes sweating and writhing, sometimes peaceful and cool; but it is always good. Sometimes ignoring all others and their needs. Ignoring their pleas for food and drink. ~~WHAT? They are old enough to take care of themselves. Don't you dare judge me!~~ Ignoring their pleas to feed their own addiction. Ignoring their pleas for me to seek help. What if I don't WANT help?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So tell me computer and PS3.. why can't I EVER seem to get enough of you in this electronic bizarre love triangle? Why, PS3, must I long to feel for your vibrating controller in my hands? Why must I come to you Computer BEFORE coffee or pee?

My very first REAL vlog

2009-09-06T08:00:00.001-04:00

This is my very first unedited-first-thing-in-the-morning-yes-I-am-still-I-my-nightgown-no I-haven't-had-any-coffee-yet-get-over-it-vlog. Here is the link I promised you later on in the vlog click here now (because I know once you start watching this you will be so enthralled and intrigued you won't do it when I mention it)

I hope I didn't scare you all away.

George Carlin's take on the 10 Commandments

2009-09-04T06:42:00.003-04:00

If you read Sunday's Post , you know I am a huge fan of the late George Carlin. His views on life sometimes blow my mind.

I think my absolute favorite bit of all time form his routines is is breakdown of the 10 Commandments to make only 1 Commandment. If you know George Carlin, then you know there is some language in this video, if you don't, HEY THERE'S LANGUAGE IN THIS VIDEO!
There you have been warned, don't yell at me if you still watch it and are offended by the content.

It is well worth the almost 7 minutes if you have never seen it. Hell, it's well worth the 7 minutes if you HAVE seen it.

What?

Just quit babbling and play the damn video!!

Sorry. Here ya go

People Who Drive Me Crazy

2009-09-03T06:51:00.005-04:00

Everyone who is not as smart as I ~~think I~~ am

There. My list is done. Hmmmmmmmmmmm it is a lot shorter than I first envisioned.

Oh wait!! Don't go! I just thought of more otherwise it would have been a boring post.

Ok here it goes.

First the obvious.

People that say "Pacific" instead of "specific"

People that ride the 1 mile long right hand turn lane (that several businesses exit from) only NOT to turn into one of those business but at the END of the mile. Bastards, I could have turned right a long damn time ago, but I THOUGHT you were turning where I was exiting. Dumbasses.

People that can't seem to understand the concept of simple "yes" or "no" questions.

People who argue with me when I tell them they have the wrong number and tell me they will sue the shit out of me if they fall into this hole that was dug (not by the company I work for or anybody affiliated with my company) I hope you have a helluva lawyer to pull THAT one off buddy!

People that say "every single" It's kind of redundant. (I am guilty of this one)

People (or in this case female co-worker) who call me babe, hon, gorgeous, Miss Patti, Mama, sugar, doll or any of those sickening names. One day... I will go off on her

People who give me their zip code when I ask for their area code and phone number. I repeat myself, they do it again. I say it one more time.. THEN it dawns on them what I am asking. I guess somewhere in there I stopped speaking Russian and started speaking English

People who feel the need to spell every word they say while on the phone with me.

Who drives you crazy?

Do you think Linus ever did THIS to his blanket?

2009-09-01T06:43:00.001-04:00

I keep threatening to do a vlog. This is the best I could do. Morgan Freeman's got NOTHING on my voice over!
Meet ~~Linus~~ Rosie. She drags her blanket with her everywhere she goes.

Maybe Linus just used his for clean up afterwards.

George Carlin the late great philosopher

2009-08-30T07:00:00.002-04:00

I have always loved this man, as the voice of the conductor on Thomas the Tank Engine.

I loved him even more as a comedian. But his views on life have always blown me away.

The following came to me in an email and I just HAD to pass it along

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Nothing like a little Robot CHicken to start my day

2009-08-28T07:00:00.000-04:00

This is what I woke up to this morning! Enjoy happy Friday!

Your comments are back!

2009-08-27T06:40:00.003-04:00

Many of you had complained about the comment boxes I had switched to a while ago. I heard your complaints and removed the boxes. Unfortunately, doing so also removed your comments.

I contacted Echo, the developer of the boxes and asked how I could get them back. They contacted me, asked for my URL and within 24 hours (last night) alllllllllll of your comments are back from all of my posts.

Great customer service! I just wish the boxes weren't so difficult to use.

Thank you all for your understanding!

Gimmie something to vlog about

2009-08-26T09:00:00.001-04:00

I want to do a vlog, I just don't what to do for it. I know you all are dying to hear my sarcastic voice ~~at least in my head you are~~ . I did an "interview" with The Boy on video last night, but that just ended up being an argument, one in which I won of course. But you all argue with your kids enough.. besides I am too lazy to do the editing required to make him look like an ass and me coming out as The Queen of the Universe.

So. Throw some ideas out there. There is ONE condition. NO tequila involved, that will not end up too pretty. I can just see me taking off all my clothes and no one wants to see that. Make that 2 conditions, it will not be a nekkid vlog. Sorry Slyde and Chris

Humpeve Funnies Redux

2009-08-25T06:50:00.008-04:00

OK.. Today.. these pics WILL show up. I am throwing in the towel! Some old Some New something borrow... I mean all funny

My life on Twitter aka reasons you should be following me if you aren't already ;)

2009-08-23T08:11:00.011-04:00

Since I have been ~~peer pressured~~ talked into joining Twitter, I thought I'd share some of my 460 out of and in context random tweeets and 1 sided replies. I will leave out user names. It will "say" reply if I am answering someone. Remember out of context and replies, none of it will make sense.
Should be interesting.

From the beginning:

i am a closet tweeter none of my friends know i have an account

The only thing we have to fear is tequila itself!

sitting at my desk trying not to stab myself in the eye with the closest sharp object

did you know if you slap someone while they are talking..they stop talking?

2 blonds walk into a bar.. the 3rd one ducks

never send someone who doesn't eat bagels to the store to buy you "everything" bagels.. they buy one of each kind

5 mins and I am ready to wrap my headset cord around my neck and jump from my office chair

OK OK I give. I am conforming! I am dizzblnd from soggy-doggy-bloggy. I feel so dirty!

They aren't hot flashes, they are alcohol induced high octane power surges!

They aren't gray hairs, they're silver highlights!

Its not a beard its stray armpit hair

Reply: thank you thank you very much.. I have a feeling I will REALLY be fired now. Damn new addictions sigh

mmmmmmmmm half a cup of mayo on mickey d's chicken sandwich WTF are they thinking when they do that?

You know.. I never knew how good the cookies were on the dark side until I gave up and joined twitter. mmm cookies.. never will I wait again

on the phone with a customer.. she just said "poopfart" i had to stifle a laugh.. shes advanced in her age

Reply: lol!! Poor guy. I hope the neighbors weren't to traumatized.. you KNOW they didn't SEE the wasp, just a crazy man swatting at air

so bored at work.. I am pulling out all of my silver highlights

shoulda kept my mouth shut.. now we are busier than a 1 legged man in an ass kicking contest.. sigh

oh no! I just had a screw come loose right here in the office. Not to fear though, I've seen Mcgyver.. used a paper clip to screw it back in.

People.. if you call a support line and ask for help, listen to the words that come out of their mouths. YOU called US. WE know our job!

also? If you call a place of business for the 1st time. REALLY we know our job and will get everything we need. Quit interrupting

tick tock of the clock is painful.. no seriously, it is right behind me and above my head all I hear is TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

maybe if it changed to cha-ching cha-ching! It would be more bearable

playing CoD4 on PS3.. just another of my many addictions. I need help!

Reply: but its so hard... THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!

OMG I LOVE WEEDS!

I think I love Nurse Jackie more

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. But tomorrow never comes, yesterdays gone, so live for today.

Oh time to do the SSS before I go to work oh wait.. I just did one S. now to S&S Wait no time for one of the S's oh well I'll just shower

sigh working now.. how am I supposed to tweet or blog?

they say money isn't everything, but it sure beats the hell outta whatever's in 2nd place!

I got an hour's probation due to good behavior.. otherwise known as lunch

Reply: HA! I'm a tweet hog .. YOU created this monster you can't complain ;P

Reply: if it vibrates... I want 10!

If twitter was a drug, I have already snorted too much

throwing stones at someone and calling it a meteor shower does not make it a meteor shower

begging people to leave you feedback on ebay is pathetic enough. Begging people who have already left you feedback is just plain tacky

If 1 more person gives me their zip code when I ask for area code & phone number I am wrapping my headset cord around my neck & jumping

stop the stupidity I want to get off!

"ignorance is bliss" is a lie that one blissful person told to an ignorant person

i think i need something stronger than valium

I AM smarter than my zipper

I wanna be where it is already Friday.

I know it's 5 o'clock SOMEWHERE.. by why can't somewhere be HERE?

Reply: be safe.. use a spork!

really . I CAN spell. Please dear callers.. do not spell words like "pine" and "edge". It's words like "calloosawatchahatchee" That get me

Reply: and if they don't come back, stalk them hunt them down, tie them up and beat them into submission... then they will love you

If you want to call Customer service and be an asshole.. please do so on a Monday. Do NOT ruin someones Friday. Jerk

coffee and valium for breakfast is much like drinking a jagerbomb

purse organizers are good in theory, that is providing the person using it is organized otherwise. Therefore it does me no good!

dizzblnd say.. he who has stinky thumb should find SOMETHING to do at work

for the love of all things sparkly... answer yes or no to a yes or no question. A 10 minute diatribe explaining your answer is NOT needed!

I accept the fact that everybody in this world is not as smart as I am. I love them all anyway

waiting on my f-n cafe patron and jager bomb

mmmm redheaded sluts

Reply: they r drinks don't get too excited darlin

im not as think as u drunk i am occifer

there should a pole at all bar dance floors

I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed! I should still be sleeping off a hangover

Damn Pets

need coffee and food and advil oh my

I was blogging then got distracted by shiny surveys

wal-mart secretly scans your credit card when you go in secretly controls your mind to by that much shit and suck your account dry.

"happy monday" the biggest oxymoron of all

Is it Friday at 5 yet?

people who work in customer service should not be allowed to take Mondays off

EVERYDAY CLOTHING SHOULD NOT TO BE MADE SO THAT ANOTHER PERSON HAS TO HELP YOU GET DRESSED

when I stand up and walk, it sounds like Snap Crackle and Pop have left their home in Rice Crispieville and taken up residence in my body

i'll try being nicer if these people start being smarter

Reply: LMAO that would lead me to conclude he is not the brightest crayon in the shed!

I laugh when i see the word "coworker".. I always read it as cow orker!

whatever the hell a cow orker is.. wait.. that sounds kinda dirty I might not want to go there

i was going to take just 1 valium, then i thought, WOW they're small.. better take 4

my head feels like a 2 year old is throwing a temper tantrum inside it

is it bad that it is not even 10 yet and I am already tired of being nice?

Sign seen in St Augustine this weekend "We have enough Fountain of Youth, how about a Fountain of Smart"

do I dress so horribly the rest of the week that I put on a simple dress and I look "fabulous" and "all dressed up" to my co-workers? GAH

if it moves and shouldn't.. duct tape, if it should move and doesn't W-D 40

y do auto part store clerks laugh when I ask them if they carry a 710 cap? it looks like this

my check engine light came on in my car, I checked the engine, it's still there now what? the lights still on.

if i thought that I would get my keyboard at work replaced in less than a month becausemy spacebar sticks, iwould report it

Lays needs to stop putting cocaine in their Doritos. I have eaten 3 small bags in the last hour

if I take an Ambien and wash it down with 3 red bulls, will I fall asleep faster?

Reply LMAO @ Nick the Dick. I can't think of anything else either.. are we perverts or what?

thunderstorm @ night = no sleep even w/ambien & 3 red bulls go figure

i've just talked to the most impossible man on the phone. That's saying a LOT. I've talked to a million impossible men in my life

Reply: lol I read it 2 quickly. thought you said HEAD injury.. I then remember hubs was home then read again and saw HAND I'm dirty

hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass.... especially when that ass is mine grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

This is sad. I go from tweeting to commenting on blog posts and I am trying to limit my comments to 140 characters. Addicted? Just a tad

There you are .. all caught up.. that is if you read it all

That's just naaaaaaaaaaaaasty

2009-08-21T12:47:00.003-04:00

I love porn! I drink it in like it's water. I just can't get enough of the stuff. I buy it maybe 3 times a day. I will even venture to say that I am addicted to porn. I'm not even ashamed of my addiction. It is actually good for you!

Yes I am talking about

Triple antioxidant vitamin water. Even the label says that it is porn.

Anyway, at my house, that it what we call it. When someone goes to the store, we will ask "Grab me some porn" It sounds kind of odd though when you are in the store yelling it across the isles. People look at you oddly, turn red and run the other way.

Yesterday morning, I went to the gas station. When I cam home, I had a bag. Tiffany asks me what's in the bag.

I said "Porn and a banana." Then stopped and said "EWWWW that so didn't sound right"

Tiff said "That's just naaaaaaaaaaaaasty"

What do you like with your porn?

Why women are smarter than men.

2009-08-19T07:19:00.002-04:00

True story..
My husband is working for a company that is doing work for a major restaurant chain. Not saying which one. Anyway, he is working in Miami, you know where Hurricane Andrew hit in '91 and nearly wiped it off the map? Inspectors took a lot of the blame for not doing their job properly.

So this major restaurant chain hardly ever pulls any permits. They'd rather "save money" So, they hire all these men to do the work PLUS Time and a half overtime, pay all the money for material and then the men put their time away from their families, blood, sweat, tears, and curse words into the work. Good plan right? Otherwise how is it supposed to get done. But... do you know what happens when you don't pull permits? More often then not, you get a pissed off inspector who finds out permits were NOT pulled, that makes those same men pull allllllllllllllll the shit down they worked so hard to put up, the company pays the penalty, pays the money for the permit, then has to spend MORE money (remember the plan above to save money?) for the material and man hours PLUS time and a half overtime twice and do it like it should have done in the first place. Correctly. Because men run this company it takes twice as long to get the job done. Women would follow proper legal procedure and have it all done right the. first. time.

I understand how men think, with their penises and all. But conducting business hardly ever involves boobs, butts, beer, booze, Nascar or football (unless you own a bar, whorehouse Nascar and/or football team). So why doesn't common sense prevail here?

Go ahead men dazzle me with a brilliant defense.

South Beach Part Dos

2009-08-14T05:00:00.001-04:00

Wow.. you people are impatient OK OK. So we left the hot waiter, made fun of the dumbass woman looking for her "really tan blond husband" on the beach. Then we kicked back on the chairs an relaxed.

Me Taken by Shelly

She asked me not to post any pictures of her in less than shorts. Sorry guys.. she looks great in a bikini.

We people watched. Reason 1,226 NOT to self sunblock

I thought these guys might be into cougars .. no I never asked them.

These guys were hot! There are girls in here too guys!

Now the water

Para-sailing for dummies anyone?

At 5, when mean umbrella lady took our chairs and umbrella away, we went back to Ocean Dr. We went to the Sea Cafe. This adorable guy with an accent was our waiter. (Shelly takes great pics doesn't she?)

We ate a assorted plate with salami cheeses ham, greens. It was yummy. When I had to pee the 1st time, I had no problem navigating the little step up into the small little room. We drank Espresso Martinis. Correction. We drank 1 Espresso Martini each. After the 1st one, our waiter told us our 2nd was free and he brought it in a to go cup.

I had to pee again. This time though, the step was a slight bit more difficult. Yep. I tripped into the bathroom, (didn't fall) in front of all the hot waiters. Nice. I came out to warn Shelly about the dangerous conditions that awaited her the 1st drink. Upon my arrival at the table, somehow, I ended up with my 2nd drink in my lap Shit that was cold.. I was too wasted to care!
Thanks for taking these incriminating shots Shelly

Does anyone want my cherry?

I know.. it's a very ummmmmmmmm disturbing pic. Sorry. Check is in the mail for therapy.

We walked back to the car so I could change, then we walked the shops on Collins Ave.

There was a hotel fire or something that had been put out before we got there. The streets we blocked. We tried to get pics of the the hunky firemen, but alas it was too dark.

Did get some pretty cool shots though.

After that, we had to get back to the car so it wouldn't get towed. Then we went back to the hotel.

I can't wait to go back!

South Beeeeeeeeeeach --Finally!

2009-08-12T07:33:00.014-04:00

Here is the post you all have been ~~drooling for~~ waiting on. Maybe not, but I've threatened to do it for a week now, so suffer!

Last Monday 8-3 we were supposed to come home. Shelly had taken a ton of pictures at Butterfly World the day before and she couldn't feel her thumb on her right hand. She drove us down there in her beautiful Firebird. It's a stick and I can't drive it.

Sunday night when she called me to make plans to pic me up, I could just hear it in her voice that she didn't want to leave. Quite frankly, I wasn't ready to leave yet either. Be 15 minutes from South Beach and never see it?? I think not!

I told her I had a week's vacation I could use if I needed it and that we didn't HAVE to leave. She was so relieved. We made plans for the beach instead.

First, we went to

One of Sobe's (South Beach) biggest hot spots.

This guy was our waiter mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

We had Eggs Benedict, fruit and peach/lemonade. It was wonderful.

Here is the view from up and down the street

Then we walk about 400ft to get to the beach itself. We rent some chairs and and umbrella. One woman came up and said to the attendant that was doing the rentals "You know the guy I was here with when we rented from you?" The umbrella lady gives her a blank stare. "You know, he was about this tall, blond hair and really tan? I wonder if you saw where he went because I can't find him"
Umbrella lady apologized. As the dumb lady walked away I said to umbrella lady "Doesn't she know she just described half of everyone on this beach?" Dumbass

Part 2 with more pics tomorrow I gotta get ready for hell now.

OH Being Brazen is having a WONDERFUL giveaway on her blog. Check her out. Tell her I sent ya!

My journey into the Darkside

2009-08-11T09:41:00.003-04:00

It all began with my trip to South Florida. (Pics will HAVE tobe this weekend after you read this post, you will understand) <

You see, my SIL Twitters. I was riding shotgun while she was driving. She had many funny things she wanted to tweet. So I was her DT (Designated Twitter) Everyone should have one.

I did not have an account of my own and for those of you that have followed me for a while, now I was NOT going to conform. Even in my "About Me" I stated I will not Twitter or Facebook.

Despite many pleads from my SIL, I refused to get an account. That is, until I found out just how much fun it really is! When I got home, I created an account. I did not put my real name, my Dizzblnd name, a pic, nor did I link back to this blog. I did NOT want to let anyone know that I was weak and I caved in and went for the cookies (which are surprisingly good on the darkside)

I signed up as Sarcastibiotch, made up a fake name and used a different email address. Yes I was THAT sneaky. I just knew my SIL and other would be looking for me.

I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for ~~you meddling kids!~~ ~~my nosy daughter~~ me leaving the Twitter home page up on my computer on Sunday. "A-HA I knew wouldn't be able to resist for too much longer!" Up until then had been very careful not to slip or let her find out I had been secretly Tweeting.

She promised she wouldn't tell anyone. I figured what the hell the cat's outta the bag now. So I tweeted this "OK OK I give. I am conforming! I am dizzblnd from soggy-doggy-bloggy. I feel so dirty!" Then shortly after, "You know.. I never knew how good the cookies were on the dark side until I gave up and joined twitter. mmm cookies.. never will I wait again"

I called my SIL left a message on her voicemail saying, "OK I give up, I've conformed are you happy?" and hung up. She called me back lauging because she knew without looking what I was talking about.

So this, my faithful friends is why I can't seem to manage to post the South Beach pics and tell funny, embarrassing stories. Maybe this weekend, I will get around to it.

All I do now is tweet at work giving myself whiplash making sure no one catches me. Then when I come home, I tweet, play Call of Duty 4 and TRY to catch up on everybody's blogs. THIS is why I didn't want yet ANOTHER addition and why I REFUSE to Facebook. NO really. I won't. I don't want people that I couldn't stand in high school friending me just for their never ending popularity contest.

NO MORE FUNKY COMMENT BOXES!

2009-08-10T17:40:00.002-04:00

OK OK I have heard your pleas for help. I got rid of the comment form I had. I was starting not to like it too. ALL of your previous comments from ALL of my post got removed when I did that. I hope I can find some way to get them back. If not, I'm sorry and know that I still love you all. From here on out though, it will be the embedded comment box below the post. For todays REAL post scroll down or click here.

A funny thing happened at Dunkin Donuts yesterday

2009-08-10T09:39:00.007-04:00

I walk in with my daughter and I hear "OMG IS THAT SOGGY DOGGY BLOGGY AND THE WATER BOTTLE BLOG?" I look around astounded that anyone would know who we are. I look over towards the voice and I see someone that looks familiar. Then it dawns on me. It is an unnamed (per our agreement) but VERY beloved blogger. Let's just say her blog is similar to a fictional blog I am calling, "I Want an Alcoholic Beverage Aunt Jane" If you follow her.. you know of whom I am speaking. We were thrilled that she recognized us.

OK OK so it didn't happen QUITE like that. She is in one city away from me visiting a family member. So we got in contact with each other and I met her at Dunkin Donuts. She was there for the free Wi-Fi to get some "work" done. I am not sure we were helpful in that aspect.

She DID say we could post her pic. That is me on the left, logically that leaves her on the right

LOOK! A Water Bottle Sandwich..lol my daughter in the middle

Yeah yeah yeah.. I know I was supposed to crop it but you'll get over it. ;)

She is the funniest, most gracious, down to earth, humblest people I have ever met. You know how you wonder if people hide behind their blogs? I can tell you she does not! She doesn't understand her popularity. I do. I have followed her since I started blogging in October '08. I could just tell she was genuine.

We talked about Blogher, though I didn't get to go, I LOVE hearing all about it. We discussed our families, blogging, just about everything.

There were other people in the restaurant and one girl was listening in on us, which was fine. Tiffany and I had the same thought.. "I wonder if that girl knew who we all were?" After all we did say the names of our blogs quite a few times, probably a little louder than we should have. Isn't that conceited of us? LOL But that girl was kind enough to take the last pic. Probably because ~~she was thrilled to be in our presence~~ ~~excitedly ran over and begged~~ we asked her to take it for us.

Today, this wonderful unnamed blogger is spending the day at the beach, while I sit here in my office and slave away. If I had any sick time.. I would SO be at the beach.

Thank you for taking the time out to meet us. It really means a lot to me that you would do so. I can wait until you come back again so we can get ~~completely wasted~~ together and do something a lot more fun. Have a safe trip home!

I promised you South Beach pics , You will get them tomorrow.

South Florida trip Day 2 Butterfly World

2009-08-09T08:16:00.016-04:00

The 2nd day of the trip, Shelly wanted to go to Butterfly world. (To see the pics bigger, just click on em)

She is a great photographer and just knew that this would be a great place to get some beautiful pics. It was very fascinating in there. It was also VERY hot and humid. But its South Florida in August.. we expected nothing else.

These are all pics that I took.

There were various types of flowers, birds, and of course butterflies. Relaxing music was streamed in from the speakers above, so you just kinda lost yourself in the gorgeous little piece of heaven.

I wanted to get a pic of this beautiful blue butterfly, but he wouldn't land for me. When he did, it was to feed on the bananas. BUT he would not open his wings. There were others feeding as well. I also snuck a shot of Shelly as she was taking pics.

Feeding Frenzy @ Yahoo! Video

My husband was lucky enough to have one land on his sunglasses

My honey is so attractive even butterflies can't resist him @ Yahoo! Video

Did you know there were giant hummingbirds? I didn't either, but here he is

More butterflies

Butterfly sex!

Horny little creatures aren't they?

Don had to blow on him to get him to open his wings, but I finally got him

Then we went in to a different area to see some magnificent flowers

Then off to see the Macaws

Macaws @ Yahoo! Video

Then we went back to her hotel, sat by the pool, drank strawberry daiquiris and ate pizza. I think she has all of those pics.

Day Three tomorrow! SOUTH BEEEEEEEEEEACH!

South Florida trip Day 1.. Now with missing video!

2009-08-08T09:50:00.012-04:00

The first night we got to South Florida, Shelly, my husband and myself went to the Seminole Hard Rock in Ft. Lauderdale.

This is her and I:

Hubs and I (I LOVE this pic thanks Shelly!)

We ate at the Tequila Ranch. Very good food.I had the Tequila chicken. We each had 3 shots of Cafe Patron mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
We sat outside so we can people watch. Lemme tell ya, VERY interesting people, like this guy:(I was a little drunk so I had the camera turned the wrong way tilt your head to the left)

sparkly guy @ Yahoo! Video

I sure as hell hope he got paid, or at least lot a bet.

After we got done eating, they put up ropes outside the club. There is a mechanical bull inside, so they get to charge $5 to get in after whatever time. This tall black woman with bleached short dreadlocks and an attitude was one of the bouncers. She knew we were outside as paying customers. She watched us eat.

Anyway, I had to pee, so I got up and stepped over the ropes so I could go to the bathroom inside. She stops me and says "no one crosses MY ropes." I said, "I am just going to the bathroom, you know we were eating." She stepped aside and let me go. Gee thanks.

After we came out, she was letting people in and out by pulling back the rope. I looked at her and stepped right over her rope again. Bitch.

Then Shelly's husband, my husbands brother, met us after he got away from work. We then went into the casino. This is them at the money sluts:

and the brothers:

They won $160, we lost $70 sigh.
It was a VERY fun night. I hope to go back again soon.
When we got back to the hotel, it was 3am.

I will post day 2 tommorrow.

Snap back to reality..

2009-08-07T05:00:00.001-04:00

I am back, oh joy. I returned Tuesday, but had no internet. Thank you for all the comments and everyone who stopped by to check on and party with my kids. Luckily, there was no crime scene tape or a bloody massacre upon my return from Miami. I will post pics another day. Today, I wanted to share with you some things I learned whilst punishing my liver, making an ass of myself and getting sunburned.

In Miami,

Hotel sex is WONDERFUL!

You don't use turn signals. This:
A) Pisses people off
B) Confuses them because they have no idea what they are used for
C) Causes the people to slow down or speed up to impede your lane change

People do NOT look before pulling out from a side street or and exit on to a busy road while pulling a boat behind them (or any other time for that matter)

People will cut you off on a main highway in busy traffic without warning (yeah.. this happens everywhere, but it is WAY worse down there.

My SIL Shelly made a wonderful observation about the flow of traffic on Ocean Dr (main Drag on South Beach)
Taxi, Mercedes, '82 Honda, Ferrari, Motorcycle, Stretch Limo, skateboard ...etc

The "Can you spare a dollar for a burger" lady has more singles than any stripper.

People DO speak English.

The step up in the bathroom at the Sea Cafe is MUCH more difficult to navigate after the 2nd espresso martini .

You should ALWAYS have a designated Tweeter when driving, you never know when inspiration hits. I was Shelly's DT.

My kids didn't miss me AT ALL.

My animals missed me more than they did.

I SO did NOT want to come back home.

I want to go back there ASAP with more time, more money and when hubs is NOT working.

The to do list actually was completed. I was very impressed

There ya go peeps. If you ever get the opportunity to go there TAKE IT! Take NO kids.

I will post pics tomorrow.

ahhh a mini vacay!

2009-08-01T04:00:00.000-04:00

As you are reading this, I am on my way to Miami or in Miami, or on my way back from Miami, depending when you tune in.. My husband is working down there, and his brother is working 40 minutes north of there. So my SIL and I are going ~~on a bootie call~~ to see them.

The problem is, they both work nights. So that means they sleep all day. So we won't get to spend too much time with them. But, when they are sleeping, we are going to escape down to South Beach and party it up. The liver is bad and MUST be punished!

I have lived in Florida most all of my life, but I have never been to Miami. I've driven through it a coupla times, but never stopped. I am kinda scared. LOL SIL has been few times, so she can show me the ropes.

I can't wait to go. I need a mini-vacay.

Anyway.. if some (or all of you) could stop by my house every once in a while to check on the 2 teens... that'd be greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.

I left them a list:

Don't kill each other.
Give dog a bath.
Don't kill each other
Keep house clean.
Don't kill each other.
Take out the trash.
Don't kill each other.
No parties.
Don't kill each other.
No girls.
Don't kill each other.
Don't kill each other.
Don't kill each other.
Make sure the animals are fed and have water.
Don't kill each other.
The only places you may go are to the store, work, and grandparents' houses.
Don't kill each other.
OH! and don't kill each other!

Love,

Mom

You think the trash will get taken out?

I shall return sometime Monday, but probably won't post until Tuesday. If I can remember to take the camera AND take pics, I will post them for you as well.

I hope you have, will have or had a fabulous weekend.

Do painkillers cause yeast infections? Explicit Content Warning

2009-07-30T11:42:00.008-04:00

This post is kinda sexually raunchy, so if you are squeamish (Tiffany) .. go ahead and click here for some hilarity with Robin Williams instead.

Ok all the prudes are gone.. for the 1 or 2 of you that are left lemme explain...

This was a question burning in a friends mind. So being the geek that I am, I typed the question in the search bar. I had many web page choices to pick. Only one page seemed to have all of my search terms.

So I clickety clicked. The page I cam to was like a Yahoo answers page.

The question being asked had NOTHING to do with what I was asking. The question that was asked was about anal sex.

"Hey

This is a 20 year old male asking about his 20 year old girlfriend

Me and my partner discussed anal play last night and we are excited to try it.
She stuck a highlighter in her anus last night about an inch, she loved it...and she was dry.

I have half a thing of lube left, she's getting latex gloves, and we are gonna try tonight.

Is taking painkillers dangerous at all?
Is using butter (margarine spread) harmful?

And any suggestions of common household items that we can use for lube if we need more

and just any tips, or advice.

Thanks."

I really don't believe it was a guy asking for his "girl"friend, but whatever.

I didn't read the whole question until just now because I was busy scrolling through the answers to find the answer to MY question.

Nothing really caught my eye until this sarcastic person threw in her/his 2 cents. The first paragraph had me laughing so hard, I couldn't read the rest until just before I posted this.

First take the pain killers. Then drink lots and lots of alcohol. Lastly, apply the anal lube when she is starting to go into a slight coma and I promise she won't feel a thing... Jesus where are kids learning sex education now days... wait... your 20 and not a kid so thats even worse...

No seriously, go to a drugstore, wally world, Walgreens, whatever, and get some silicone based lube and a enema (might want to get them at seperate times if you get embarrassed lol. IF YOU DON'T GET EMBARRASSED, run to the pets area and pick up a can of cat food. That will have the checkout person really eyeing you then lol.

Silicone based lube is the best for anal sex or play (unless your using a silicone toy but then you can just put a condom on the toy). Waterbased lubes can cause internal discomfort if you are allergic to the ingeds (whatever that sugar crap is called gly something). To test it just put a glob of it on your finger and stick it up your hole. What 5-10 secs. If it burns like hell then you are probably allergic to it. Just relax and it will stop in a few mins. If you can't take it, just go sit on the pot.

Anyways, use the enema a few times and flush her out good unless you are into playing with poo (hey some people are lol). Tidy up. Use plenty of lube and mess around. Just go nice and slow with the playing so she can get used to the new feelings and learns to relax her ass. It will probably take a couple of times and days before you can do any major GNP on her ass.

Have FUN!

P.S. Oh BTW, if she stuck a marker up her ass halfway without any lube AND enjoyed it, it ain't the first thing and first time she's put something in her ass"

Needless to say, I never found the answer to my question. Maybe you all will have better luck.

Would you rather read my blog or..

2009-07-30T05:00:00.000-04:00

... eat 30 pounds of cheese in one sitting or a bucket of peanut butter (without water)?

...lick peanut butter off of a hobos foot or be locked in a cage with a tiger.

...run your tongue down ten feet of a New York city street or press your tongue into a strangers nostril?

...eat 150 wasps, or have both hands cut off?

...sit on a fire for 5 seconds, or eat 50 flies?

...be mechanically induced to scream at the top of your lungs for an hour, or have your eyes glued shut for a day?

Just thought I'd ask.

Dear pets

2009-07-27T05:00:00.000-04:00

I love you. Really I do. Both dogs and both cats.. I love you a lot.

However, I have been going to the bathroom all by myself for the last 33 years of my life. I am pretty sure I have the hang of it. So please, a little privacy is all I ask for from you all. After all, do I stand in your litter box while you are pinching a loaf? NO! Do I stand right beside you in our backyard while you drain your lizard or pop a squat? I don't think so.

Love,

Mommy

Things I learned this weekend.

2009-07-26T09:32:00.004-04:00

I look to old to be carded. Went to a bar Friday night with my SIL and BFF. The bouncer let us walk right in. When I confronted the him about it, he said we looked "Mature". All I heard him say was "blah blah blah blah old" He assured me the next time we came in he would ask to see my.... AARP Card. Asshole.

Cafe Patron Yes you read right... coffee flavored tequila. goes down real easy by the 3rd one. OMG is it good. Luckily I didn't drink so much of it that my clothes fell off.. like last weekend.

I really DON'T know how to paint. My cousin asked me to help her paint a bedroom in her house yesterday. I assured her I knew how. I lied for the wine she was bribing me with to help her.

Drive-thru liquor stores.. are they REALLY a good idea? HELL yes, especially when you are out of wine, covered in paint and need vodka.

Drunken painting is fun. (See above)

My co-workers really DO love me. After leaving my cousins house, I drove by a team leaders house because it was on my way home. I looked in the driveway and saw my team leaders car in her driveway, and them in the garage with their menfolk, so I beeped the horn. I decided to turn around and see them. As I pulled in, I got a text from one of them asking me to come by there. All sweaty and covered in paint, they all hugged me, made me a drink and I got to watch them kick their husband's asses at pool.

It is WONDERFUL to see 5 of the people you are close to all in one weekend and be able to spend time with them all.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well.

New Positively Powerful up

Dirty Friday Funnies for my gutter minded friends

2009-07-24T07:13:00.003-04:00

The following were sent to me via text message. Yes.. I pay money for this shit! Enjoy!

Hey baby, wanna come over to myspace so i can twitter your yahoo until I google all over your facebook?

Why r women so good at oral sex? Cuz just the thought of sucking the life out of a man makes them happy!

A trailer park girl asks her mom, "If you swallow sperm, is that how you get pregnant?" Mom says, "No baby, that's how you pay rent.

I can't make this stuff up, I'm not THAT good.

2009-07-23T05:00:00.003-04:00

The following will sound like a joke, but I swear this really happened.

One of my girlfriends B-I-L (brother in law) is gay. Her husband's family lives in different states all around the country. When he decided to "come out" his parents held a family meeting to let the rest of the family know. Well, they already knew and they were fine with it.

After everyone got together to discuss it, my girlfriend's S-I-L (Sis in law) nudges her newly officially ousted brother and said "Salty ain't it?"

I would have SO loved to be there to see the look on their parents' face after that comment; I would have spewed tequila out of my nose

New Mental

Tequila; the mind eraser, blackmailer

2009-07-22T05:00:00.003-04:00

Friday night I went out to save my cousin. She was trapped at the VFW with her in-laws, mother and husband. My husband is working out of town. Yes! He got a job! Woooooooohoooooooooooo

I had not eaten. I know I know. But whaddaya gonna do? I started the night with a Tequila Sunrise. She was drinking Vodka a grape juice. We had 2 shots of tequila each. Her husband ordered a frozen pizza, I had 2 pieces so I could have SOMETHING in my stomach.

We got bored there and went to the Moose Lodge. Wooooooooooooohooooooooooo big party animals my cousin and I are. Stuck with the old people. I don't remember too much from the Moose. I remember requesting a song to sing on scaryoke. However, it wasn't the song I wanted to sing. I requested True Colors, but what my cuz and I wanted to sing was Time After Time. I remember saying into the mic, "That's not how this song goes" I think my cousin called me a dumbass and told me I requested the wrong song. Somehow we made it through.

Apparently we then started throwing down the F-bomb. Now if you are familiar with any of these places, you know they allow NO cussing. Her husband AKA The Chaperon (yeah me and my cuz should NEVER be out alone) decided that we had better leave before we got thrown out and banned for good.

Wait!! That's not such a bad idea. The we can never be guilted into going. "I'm sorry, I'dlove to go, but we have been banned remmeber?"

They drop me off at home and I stumble inside. My daughter thinks I am faking being drunk. I asked her ~~multiple times~~ if she had dinner. She told me she ate raman noodles. She refused to make me any. So I made a bowl of cereal which she carried out for me. I ate it and then took off my pants. She says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" All the while laughing. Then I attempted to take my shirt off. I got stuck. After I got it off, I sat there on the couch in my white bra and black panties with my heels together by my butt so my legs were spread apart. My head propped up on my hand. Then, the blackmail picture was taken. Yep, my daughter, my own flesh and blood snapped a picture on her cell phone of me in all of my drunken glory. I would post it here but, I want you to continue to read my blog, not run away screaming never to return.

Shortly after, I went to bed and demanded that she leave the hallway on. Yeah.. I forgot to say light. My bedroom is across the hall from the guest bathroom and closer than my master bath. I wanted a clear lighted path in case I had to get there quickly.

Instead, I forget and went stumbling into my bathroom, and almost fell. I somehow made it back to my bed and passed out.

Saturday was rough!

From what I was told, I had a great time!

A fool and his money soon part...

2009-07-20T09:43:00.005-04:00

I never fully understood that phrase until a couple of days ago.

I asked The Boy for money because he is the only one that had any. His friend was at our house that day.

The boy tosses me his wallet and says, "Take what you need."

His friend said "That wasn't very smart"

I took all of the cash out of his wallet (about $100) and said "Thanks!" and tossed his raped wallet back to him.

The look on his face was priceless. Shock, awe and disbelief. After he picked his jaw up off the floor, I gave him back all but $40.

Then I proceed to explain his fatal mistake.

"When a woman asks you for money, don't EVER toss your wallet and tell her' just take what you need', she will inexplicably need it all every time"

Thank you for visiting Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy

2009-07-14T05:30:00.001-04:00

Due to circumstances beyond my financial control, I will not be posting or commenting for a while. My internet will be shut off as of today. Directv was last week's casualty.

I wrote this and last night and scheduled it to run today. I have no idea when I will be back on-line.

I will try to comment when I am at work and try to visit some of you. But it won't be nearly a often.

I guess I will just have to wait for Obama to make it all better. He promised change, but I'll bet if people knew THIS is what he meant.. he wouldn't be President. This SUCKS! Maybe 3rd times the charm with yet another "stimulus" package. Wooooooohooooooooo the only ones that are stimulated are CEO's and Big-Wig Chairmen. I hope they are having fun living it up on the money we could all use toooooooooooooo oooooooooooooh I don't know pay bills, feed our families, shop for necessities.. you know... LIVE.

Rant over

The pets and their housekeeping staff live here

2009-07-13T08:14:00.010-04:00

Any of you that spoil your pets know that it comes at a huge price. The 2 cats and 2 dogs that allow us to reside here have taken over the household.

Let's take Cleo.

She's my cat. Hubby rescued her from a feral pack of cats when she was only about 6 weeks old. She is now 14. She has ruled me that long. She sleeps on me, often licking my nose as soon as she sees my eyes are open, she demands food immediately after waking, she will walk all the way around the sectional walking over her other servants (family members) just to lay on my lap. I think if she could curl up inside me, she would. She's the Alpha Female none of the other pets mess with her. They know better.. except for 1, I'll get to her later.

Now Beau.

When my hubby brought him home from the bar as a puppy, he was told his mother was a beagle. When we took him to the vet for the first time. The vet said he was part beagle part JRT (Jack Russel Terrier) and would never get any bigger than 40 pounds. 9 years and 80 pounds later, he is the biggest JRT/Beagle I have ever seen in my life. He is a bed hog, or a couch hog or a wherever he decides to lay hog. We have a queen size bed. He sleeps at the foot of the bed. MANY times hubs and I have woken up straddling him because he works his way length-wise between our legs. Or we are forced to one side of the bed or the other because he wants to lay ~~catty~~ doggy corner. OR he moves up so far on the bed, we are often forced to the fetal position; which is fine by Cleo, because she LOVES to lay ON my side. He only wants to go outside when it is his idea. Even if he is right by the door and I open it.. I often have to force him to go outside where he runs quickly and pees. He will bark at his food dish when it is empty.

Now we come to the REAL ruler of the household; Rosie.

She is a small little Dachshund. She thinks she is a big bad Doberman. She should have been named Linus. She has a blanket, actually whatever blanket, comforter, towel she is under is hers. If you DARE try and take it from her, you will likely draw back a bloody stump. She loves her blanket so much, she humps it. She doesn't like horseplay, if The Boy and his father wrestle or anyone in the family, she goes nuts and will protect the victim. She bites hard. She sleeps with The Boy and is also a bed hog on his queen sized bed.

Now Jelly Bean. My daughters cat. She has posted about her on her blog many times. The Water Bottle

Don't let her cuteness fool you. She is 8 months old and is spawned from the very depths of hell. She races around the house at 90 MPH. She attacks anything that moves. She loves to catch flies, and she is the only one dumb enough to mess with Cleo. JB NEVER wins. Last night, she jumped on the pantry shelf and grabbed a bag of raman noodles and brought them out to us.. it was too cute. We all love her despite the scratches and bruised she gives us.

They allow us to live here, so we can feed them and take over our beds, our lives and our routines. I am convinced one day we will come home and find all of the locks changed.

Is cricket poop bad for you to inhale?

2009-07-12T08:20:00.003-04:00

Someone desperately needs to know! 2 people to be exact.

That was one of my keyword searches that was the #1 return to my page. It lead them to this Gross Shit post that doesn't even mention crickets.

It piqued my curiosity, so I did some extensive research. Well ok.. not extensive. it took 10 minutes. Though I couldn't find anything about health risks, I did find benefits for using cricket poop as fertilizer.

According to Cricket Poo FAQ

CricketPoo! is 100% pure "cricket litter" - the stuff that's left in the bottom of thousands of cricket "brooders" (big boxes that live crickets are produced in). The exact proportions can vary a bit from one brooder to the next, but on average it's around 98% pure cricket manure, and 2% a mix of shed cricket skins, a little cricket food (fancy chicken feed), and a few shreds of paper products chewed up by the crickets (feed plates, etc.). CricketPoo! is NOT icky or sticky - it has a dry, sandy-like texture, and doesn't have much odor.

Why is Organic Fertilizer Better Than Chemical Fertilizer?

It's Healthy
On average, organically produced foods contain higher levels of Vitamin C and essential minerals such as calcium, magnesium, iron and chromium as well as cancer-fighting antioxidants.

It's Good for the Soil
Organics replenish and maintain long-term soil fertility by providing optimal conditions for biological activity.

It's Good for the Environment
Chemicals can harm soil life, deplete non-renewable resources, pose hazards to water and air quality and threaten human health. Millions of YOUR TAX DOLLARS are spent each year on removing harmful chemicals from drinking water, mainly as a result of pesticides used in farming.

CricketPoo! vs Other Organic Fertilizers
Product % N % P % K Total NPK Value
CricketPoo! 4.04 2.18 2.26 8.48
Chicken Squat 1.00 0.80 0.39 2.19
Horse Plop 0.70 0.25 0.77 1.72
Worm Castings 0.86 0.37 0.25 1.48
Cow Patties 0.57 0.23 0.62 1.42
Swine Slop 0.49 0.34 0.47 1.30

So there you have it people.. snort up all you want. It's good for you!

What's my name again?

2009-07-11T09:03:00.003-04:00

"The Boy" has a terrible memory. At almost 18, he has the memory of a goldfish. He is horrible with names and faces, unless of course he sees them more than once a week. Celebrities??? Fagitaboot it. You have to tell him what movie the person was in and character they played.

He asked me a few years ago for tips on improving his memory. I told him to write things down, make word association games things like that. He refused to heed my advice, and therefor "forget" homework assignments, project dates..etc.

He always remembers his work schedule and he has held his job for 2 years. They all love him there.

I am very proud of him. He is a great kid and I wouldn't change anything about him.

Back to the point of this post.

Wednesday night he asked me again what to do about his memory, because he thinks its gone form goldfish to slug. well ok he didn't say it THAT way, he said its getting worse. So I told him again about writing things down..etc. Then I told him about some vitamins to boost his lack of recall. So I told him Ginkgo Biloba, B6 b12, folic acid etc.

The next night, after getting off work, he calls me and asks if I remember when he asked me about the vitamins last night. I said "Yes ~~I am not you~~ I do"
He said, "Good, can you tell me again, because I forgot" I couldn't help but laugh.

He was at the grocery store looking at the vitamins and I started rattling them off again. By the time we were done talking, he had picked up 6 different vitamins and was on his way to pay. I told him to put all but one back, because he can overdose. He ended up with the folic acid and a multivitamin. I told him to try that until they were gone, if they didn't help, he could try another one.

He put them in his room with his keys wallet etc so he wouldn't forget where he put them and remember to take them

I'd love to hear from all of you if you have any other tips or tricks he might be able to try.

I'd LOVE to fall for your scam!!! Where do I sign up?

2009-07-10T06:45:00.005-04:00

We have all surely gotten a scam letter at one point or another. This one I have seen many times in my email and here in blogland as well. After getting it for the umpteenth time, I decided to respond to it. I made up a few new email accounts from a computer other than my home, sent these letters to the same email adresses, then closed the accounts. It was fun. Please feel free to spam her!

The sentences in red are my response.

Hello Friend, (if you were my friend, you know my name... nice try!)
My name is Belinda Tacey (Ms) I don't give a fuck who you are and I am employed by Lloyds Banking Group Plc in London.Which does not send bullshit like this My job entails dealing on behalf of clients with packaging and courier services in my department. It actually doesn't exist, what you are trying to do is illegal and you would be fired by now After going through your profile and doing a little research, I have seen that you seem like an honest and trustworthy person who can handle confidential business with me. If you really were my friend AND read my profile, you would know that I don't exist A sum of US$9,600,000.00 was supposed to be moved from my bank to a certain client through a courier services company. After doing all the process to move these funds, the package containing the money was returned back to me a couple of times over the years. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah sure! Reason being that the recipient did not turn up to receive or claim it. Probably because they were smart enough to know that this is bullshit and refused to be scammed I then decided to offset all the charges and serviced the account and later moved this money into a security firm here in London, where I securely deposited it into a vault as valuable documents to this day.Yeah ooook see... if it were me.. I would have spent it all by now and not shared it with anyone.. boy are you a stupid bitch! I have kept this money deposited with a security company here in England under my close monitoring for a very long time until now I feel confident enough to move this money and make use of it. Wow and you ... the ripoff artist.. are trusting a perfect stranger with this ficticious money? You are stupider than I thought!

My reason for writing you like this is I have decided to retire and resettle in your country and now want the money to be moved out of England to your country, where you will receive it and keep it safe for me until I come over to meet with you there.Oh yes!!! And I promise I won't spend a dime. Although I could sure use this money from my good friend..... what's your name again... oh yes Belinda.. how could I ever forget all the fun we've had? I need a trustworthy business partner and friend who will advise me on proper investments in your country and how I can live comfortably. Oh well hell.. you DEFINITELY chose the right person I can have it all spent before you get here and tell you how I did it. Sounds fun right? I have obtained and secured all back up documents to support whoever I chose as beneficiary to this money. I am 100% positive that those are REAL documents too right? Thank goodness, I sure want to do this legally. For your assistance and help in receiving and investing the money, you will benefit a reasonable part of the total money. How nice of you! Here I thought I was gonna get my account information and take my -$1000 yep.. I am completely broke!! I will give you my full contact details in England and I would appreciate it very much if you give me yours including your phone number where I can reach you. You got it! My name is Ima Hog my address is 3245 Kiss My Ass Ln Dicklick TX 88456 My phone is 459-657-5310. OH! and let me save you some time.. my routing number for my bank so this wonderful transaction can occur sooner is 597489783 and my account number is 6931785467896. I bank at 1st National Bank of Dumbshits. IPlease send your reply through my e-mail I am not sure which email address to use.. so I am sending it to belinda_taceyx@superposta.com and belinda_ta112@msn.com as well as BCC to the police and all of the other email addresses from all of your friends where I have also recived this scam

Best regards,
Ima Hog

new Mental

Florida redneck window repair

2009-07-09T07:52:00.005-04:00

I snapped this pic with my cell phone with the image of the scenario that must have took place running through my head:

Jim Bob (JB): "Hey Billy Bob, let's go fix my rear car winder"

Billy Bob (BB) "Yeah.. lemme just go get a 24 pack of Busch beer and we'll have it done in no time.

2 hours later...

BB: Letsch go fix that there winder fishced up right.

JB: OK help me carry it from the front porsch..

They get it to the truck, open the box and try to read the directions:

JB: I can't understschand thish crap..damn Japenesch

BB: Lemme schee that. You dumbasssch, it's upschide down. "Remove winder from box"

They did and of course dropped it. They chipped the corner of it.

JB: Awwwww don't worry 'bout that, I gots me plenty of duct tape.

Reading the directions, the put the window up to the truck. Each thought the other had a hold of it and let go. It fell to the driveway and cracked it up the middle.

BB: OH MAN. I am schhoooo schorry

JB: Thatsch ok, we can still usche it. I have some Super Glue to fill in the crack. It will be asch good asch new.

They get it back up to the truck read and follow the directions to a tee. The get it secured and high 5'd each other and take it for a test drive. No sooner do they back out of the driveway and it falls off into the road.

JB: Dammit!

They back up and run over the window. They get out of the truck and see that the widow is now a lost cause,

BB: I don't think duct tape, super glue or WD-40 is gonna ficsh thisch mesh.

JB: You're right.

And this folks.. is why they duct taped and super glued the box that the back winder came in on the back of the truck

Yesterday was the best day I had in a long time!

2009-07-05T12:41:00.014-04:00

If you didn't read yesterdays post.. lemme get you caught up..
"We rented a pontoon boat and will spend the day on the St Johns River."

It was such beautiful day for it too.

There were 6 of us; my family of 4 and my S-I-L and B-I-L.

I took my video camera which is capable of taking still pictures. However, it doesn't take them very well. My SIL at Rock-Om took her professional camera and took LOTS of beautiful pictures. Sadly, somehow, I lost all of the videos I took as we cruised the river when I transferred from camera to 'puter.

Most of the pictures you will see will be hers, unless otherwise noted. She loves the wildlife, especially hawks. We were on the Dead River, which might explain the lack of wildlife we saw.

The only gator we saw was this one

Here are other pictures of the trees surrounding the St Johns. It is so beautiful and peaceful

We cruised the river for a majority of the day. It was hot, but there was a nice breeze. We cruised to Blue Springs. The water is a chilly 72° year round. The water looks like this

We a had tube This is me on the left, hubs in front of me, "The Boy" in the float and BIL on the right at the boil.. which by the way is UPSTREAM from the swimmin hole. The current is very strong so you have to battle it to get to the boil so you can float back down again.

This is a pic SIL caught of me. I love this pic

This is her driving the boat

And Tiffany just taking it all in

Even my my words and her awesome pictures cannot describe what a wonderful time we had. To spend it with family made it all the more betterer. (no thats not a typo)

It is something we hope to do more than once a year. It rained about the time fireworks started; which was just as well.. we were all exhausted anyway.

I didn't get up til 10 this morning. My hunny was nice enough to let me sleep in a coupla extra hours. Now I am off to Super Wal-Fart to do some grocery shopping YAY. Wish me luck. I will probably visityour blogs later tonight.

I hope you all had a safe and wonderful day yesterday too.

Happy Birthday America

2009-07-04T06:57:00.002-04:00

Like many of you, I will not be around today. We rented a pontoon boat and will spend the day on the St Johns River. I hope to get a lot of great pics.

Stay safe, don't drink and drive. Remember, it's light, throw, then run away!

Things I learned while channel surfing

2009-07-03T07:16:00.005-04:00

Last night my husband was channel surfing. He stopped on the original movie The Wizard of Oz. I remember watching it as a kid and of course I was fascinated. Watching it last night, I couldn't help but be amused.

Dorothy thought she was in a tornado.

However, when she landed in Munchkinland, I am convinced (like many hippies before me) that she was actually on acid. I mean just look at the scenery.

I thought "What in the hell are the Ooompa Loompas doing in Oz?"

Then one of the little people said something about heroin and I realized that I had assumed the wrong drug.

What?

Heroin?

Yes Heroin, that's what they said.

No .. they were saying heroine as in female hero

Well that makes more sense. But I also realized helium was involved in the making of the movie. Don't believe me? Then how do you explain this?

After that scene Tiffany left the room. She couldn't stand all the singing. Hubs changed the channel.

He landed on the original "Dr Dolittle" Did you all know he was white?

I was just as shocked as you are.

He had just learned how to talk to 499 animals. He wanted to learn to speak goldfish. Hubby said, "Well that's easy, he just has to speak in a German accent"
.

And yes.. I started this blog in my head as I was watching last night. Sad.. how very sad.

New Mental

You want to do WHAT with that stick?

2009-07-02T06:59:00.002-04:00

With money (or lack thereof) being the way it is when we get it, we should spend it wisely when it comes to food. We should come home from work ,take the scrounged money to the store and buy smart, cheap food with it for at least 2 dinners. Then we should come home, make the kids put the food away, beg one of them to make dinner. But if you're lucky you won't have to beg because one of them loves to cook and he is a great chef so he volunteers. When everyone else refuses to cook you should grin and bear it, not get pissed off and slam cabinet doors and slam things and bitch then entire time you are resisting the urge to spit in their food while cooking it.

In a perfect world, that scenario never happens because there are money trees everywhere, we sing Kum Ba Yah by the fire every night and everyone is happy. But this is the real world so get over it.

When The Boy called me from work and said he just got paid and if we need money to come get it, I should probably not have ordered from from Pizza Slut right before I went to go get the money. Especially when he works right next to a grocery store.

When I got there, I told him I only needed $40. He said "Good that's all I'm giving you, but there's one condition." I knew what was coming. "No fast food" he said. Shit! I almost lied and told him I was going to the store, but realized he would soon come home and find out that I shamefully lied to him. So I confessed. "Mom, we've got to get out of this habit" he said.

I did good though, I bought a medium pizza 2 pastas and breadsticks. There will be enough for lunch today, so it was ok right? RIGHT? Thank you, I knew you'd understand.

He came home from work last night with a branch in his hand. He didn't say hello or anything . Tiffany, my daughter, said "Oh look a fishing pole!" He just walked in and said, "You know what this stick is good for?" I said "I'm not sure I want to know."
He said, "Every time you order fast food, I'm going to hit you upside your head with it."

Wow, that's a little harsh. Especially when the pots say to the kettle almost daily, "Can we go and get some insert fast food chain here, there's no food here." Wait, aren't these the same kids that begged for fast food when it was our money we were spending and not theirs?

What a bargain! NOT

2009-07-01T09:35:00.004-04:00

I have been boycotting EGreedbay for a year and a half. No buying or selling. I was a helluva seller if I do say so myself. They made some policy changes increased fees so I stopped selling.

I digress. (I love that phrase.. it confuses some non-bloggers)

Someone recently sent me a $10 gift certificate (GC) to use in the rip-off giant auction site of the world. SO I thought what the hell. It won't cost me any money.

I found a reasonably priced NY & Co blouse. (LOVE that store!) Free shipping and under the amount of the GC. So I "bought it now" and tried to pay with the GC. The GC was sent to an email address not associated with my Paypal (PP) account, so it wouldn't work. Somehow, probably because I wasn't paying attention, I ended up paying for it through my PP account. Which had .13 in it. The PP account is linked to my bank account, so of course it took the balance from my bank account.. which has no money in it... so I will be charged $34 for a blouse that cost me $4. I called PP tried to get it resolved, but it would be a huge hassle. So I wrote the seller explaining what happened. I asked if she would refund the money so I could pay with the GC. I have yet to hear from her. What the hell.. its been 3 hours! Shouldn't she be waiting by her email with baited breath? OK OK I am calm again.

So, now I have to hope she is a kind seller and understands my hair color and will have mercy on me. If she does, I will have to call the bank and beg them NOT to charge me the $34.

Now all of this COULD have been avoided if I had remembered that I could add up to 7 email addresses that would associate with my PP account. Instead, I opened a new account with the email associated with the GC.. BUT I could not link my bank account because it was associated with my other PP account. So I had to enter a different account number to even close the account, but after doing that I STILL could not do it because the GC is associated with that email address. Yeah crazy.

So I have been up since 5:30 this morning and have been trying to get this mess all fixed. I had not showered since I woke up. When I finally got things semi-resolved, I looked at the clock and realized I had to be to work in the next 10 minutes... sigh. So here I am stinky at work... maybe this is why they isolate me. LOL

Luckily I live close to work, so I can shower on my lunch hour.

Hey! I'm a poet and didn't know it.

Have you ever...

2009-06-30T06:56:00.004-04:00

..been so drunk that you wake up in the middle of the night having to pee so you sit in the nearest armchair thinking it was a toilet and letting it flow? OH... right.. me neither. Uhhhh this is rather awkward.
Well anyway this is me.. just not on the night I totally made up for the purpose of this question

My daughter calls me Alchowhore

The look on her face at the end makes the whole commercial

2009-06-29T07:07:00.005-04:00

This is my new favorite commercial. The very frst time I saw it.. I knew she'd be looking for life insurance.

I spoke to Joe from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars yesterday. His spirits are high (or maybe its the drugs) and he is driving the nurses crazy (that does not surprise me)
Keep him in your prayers, he has a long recovery ahead.

Please vote for Tiffany's newest Scholarship entry on the left. Click the link to read about it. thank you for all who have been voting. Especially Suzy.. she rocks and she is hilarious AND a genuinely nice person.. go check her out if Vodka Mom hasn't already threatened you into doing so.

Some legal ways to seek long distance revenge.

2009-06-28T08:34:00.003-04:00

On my daughters blog she talks about the truly certifiable neighbors from hell that we had when we moved from here to a little town in NC. I swear, the things they did and the way they acted make me wish that the 10 commandments didn't exist. Go read it, to get a better understanding. I'll wait.

So now that you all know what I mean, I wanted to share with you a few things I did to Caroline for revenge once we moved back here.

I learned the number to NC's Call before you dig center and requested to have her lawn heavily marked with paint and flags. This woman LOVES her lawn. Looking back, I now feel bad for the locators that had to go mark it. They probably were shot at with her "broomstick".

Anytime there was an ad on TV to receive free samples of something, I would call and have it sent to her house. I know what you're thinking, but no. These were not free samples of food or drink. No No. These were free samples of Depends, Preparation H and other incontinence products.

I also would call the numbers and send her free information on herpes and STD meds. Since these all come with her name on them as "Here's the free info that you requested", she has no idea from where they came. It's perfect and untraceable.

You can buy a phone card, find a pay phone (yes they still exist) and crank call. Of course.. find a different phone each time.

New Mental up!

Friday funny and Gross funny shit bonus!

2009-06-26T06:45:00.007-04:00

Never Kiss an Orangutan

I posted at Mental too

Gone mental

2009-06-25T05:19:00.007-04:00

I am at my other * blogs
today. *other and blogs are serarate links

Ever had one of those days in just an hours time?

2009-06-24T06:50:00.003-04:00

I did. Last year. I had a lot of stuff going on after work.

I attributed this ALL to Aunt Flo:

I had to pick up my daughter from school. On the way there, I saw gas was only $1.95. In order for me to get gas, I had to go to the bank to deposit a check. After picking her up; I went to the bank. To get out of the bank, I have to make a left turn on to a 4 lane divided highway. I've made this turn a handful of times. I am just not used to it. I check traffic and start pulling out into the road to make my left turn. Just when I started to turn my steering wheel I get to the middle of the highway, I freak out because I thought the concrete divider went all the way down the road. Did I miss a "No Left Turn" sign? I thought I was going to hit it. So I panic, make a quick not-quite-a-U-turn in the 2 oncoming traffic lanes. I make it into the right turn lane into the road I just exited to make my turn. Luckily for me there was no traffic when I did this. It was only after I made it into the right turn lane that cars started passing and me a calling me a dumbass. Well the cars didn't, but I can read lips and I am pretty sure their drivers were. (Quite frankly, I would have too) I then have to make a 7 point turn after the traffic clears and go on my merry way. I wasn't on the cell phone, I wasn't drunk, I just thought the median went all the way across; I am sure you all realize by now that it didn't. My daughter thought we were going to die.

We get to the gas station where I pumped the gas without incident. I then remembered my tires needed air (I was beginning to think I needed a refill for head) So I pulled up to the air thingie and started the dig in my black hole of a purse for change. I couldn't find any. I was just about to leave, when I hear.. "Excuse me?" There was a man from the car parked behind me. "Are you going to use this?"" I said "Well, I was going to, but I don't have any change, just a dollar bill." He told me that he had change, goes back to his car and gives it to me. So I put the freaking 75 cents for AIR (don't we breathe the shit for free?) in the machine, pull one of the 2 hoses out and thought, This nozzle is different, but thought nothing more about it. I put the nozzle on the tire valve and water shoots into my face. YEP that's right, I grabbed the water hose instead of the air hose. Needless to say, I was embarrassed, but laughed it off quickly. The guy laughed at me as well. He said "I now have a great story to tell my family and friends" Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.. just what I wanted to be .. THE story that made someone's day. He was a nice guy and grabbed held the AIR hose for me and had pulled it so that I could reach all the tires without making a bigger ass of myself. Now this all happened in just an hours time. I am grateful my whole day wasn't like that.

Anyway, we made it home without dying. How? I am not quite sure. But I had to go to my mom's house which is right down the street. My daughter INSISTED on getting out of the car. (hmmmmmmmmmm dunno why) I told my mom, her boyfriend and his daughter what happened. His daughter just kept saying over and over, "Just like your mom". Then mom's boyfriend proceeded to tell me a story about my mom to make me feel better. THEN I understood why his daughter kept saying that.

My God... is it HEREDITARY?

I am so sorry dear daughter. Truly, I am.

At the end that day, I read my horoscope. As irony would have it, this is what it said: 'Once again you are confronted with the wide gulf between your intuition and your cool logic. You want to rely on your ability to rationally analyze the information in front of you, but you are struggling because you realize that there is more to the situation than what you intellectually know. Sticking to the facts would be a good idea if they gave you the whole picture, but now you also have to listen to your instincts.'

I never listen to my instincts E V E R. Maybe I should start.

Do you CBC?

2009-06-22T06:56:00.004-04:00

I try to do most of my comments in the morning before work. They tend to frown upon us using their precious computers for things like checking personal email.. myspace (we are banned from myspace) and porn. I know right? What the hell is up with that? If you can't have fun at work, where can you have fun?

I digress.

The first thing I do after peeing is coming to my puter with one eye open and see what you all did while I was sleeping. In between comments, I make coffee.

(Thanks to everyone for the reminder that paper towels, t-shirts and pantyhose make great substitute filters. When I run out of paper towels, T-shirts are next)

Yes.. I CBC. Comment Before Coffee. It can be awkward if not stupid. Without all of that glorious drug running through my body, my brain sometimes doesn't function properly. I end up sounding like a blathering idiot. Take for example this comment I made on Suzy's post today (which prompted this post):

"well WTF else were you supposed to think? I do the same stuff. I am happy everything turn out ok. Why do we do that to ourselves?
I loved the 80's hair! I miss my feathers. The surfer sweater to a wedding? Rock On!"

What the hell was that about? Nothing I wrote, read out of context made any sense. (who am I kidding? Even IN context it made no sense)

The grammar is horrible. I am happy everything turn out ok. Did I suddenly turn Chinese? That is totally out of character for me.

BBC (Blogging Before Coffee) on the other hand is OK. I think. On my blog I can ramble on, not make any sense at all and hope it leads to some good laughs. Nobody seems to mind. You all probably already think I am certifiable anyway.

You just nodded and smiled throughout this post entire like you do to a blathering toddler just learning how to talk or like a person with dementia that has just escaped from her padded cell didn't you?

Yeah well.. Lotus paper clip mouse YOU too!

Happy Fathers day, an Intro and beach pics

2009-06-21T08:53:00.007-04:00

Fathers Day is to thank your dad for having sex with your mom (or as Skylers Dad pointed out in comments below... not pulling out.) ! So go thank your dad now. Next year on Mothers Day, you can thank your mom for not swallowing you.

The Boy who is 17 says "Happy Fathers Day Dad, now where's my present?" That just made me laugh hysterically. The kids gave him present. He wouldn't open it. We all started begging him to open it.. Hubs pointed out the window and said "Look ...squirrel" Both of the kids looked out the window. VERY funny. They got him Call of Duty Modern warfare. It is INTENSE on-line play. Fast paced and so realistic. We have a new addiction. I am only blogging now because he won't let us play.

Next I would like to introduce you to my SIL Shelly. I've talked a little about her here, and here. I have posted quite a bit about her, but you all won't be clicking on the links, so I am not going to drive myself nuts looking for all of the posts. Anyway, my daughter and I have talked her into blogging here. Her blog is Rock Om. No that is not a typo, for those of you into meditation, it makes sense to you. Hopefully. For those of you who are not, OM is: Om or Aum is of paramount importance in Hinduism. This symbol is a sacred syllable representing Brahman, the impersonal Absolute of Hinduism — omnipotent, omnipresent, and the source of all manifest existence. Brahman, in itself, is incomprehensible; so a symbol becomes mandatory to help us realize the Unknowable. Om, therefore, represents both the unmanifest (nirguna) and manifest (saguna) aspects of God. That is why it is called pranava, to mean that it pervades life and runs through our prana or breath. Source: About.com

But it will not always be about meditation and spiritual stuff. She will post short stories, life stuff, funny stuff and lots of other stuff. She has already posted and is already stalking you, you, you, and yes, even you (but you already knew that). So please stop by and give her some love.

Yesterday Shelly, Tiffany and I went to the beach. It was a record breaking hot day.
It was beautiful though. I was smart and wore sunblock, so I only got minimally burned. It doesn't hurt and I can actually be touched without wincing.

Here are some pics Shelly took with her brand new kick ass professional camera:

This one looks like an ice sculpture

Oh look! Something shiny

We found him

He was not happy

But we got the best of him

We made a nose ring out of his claw as a warning to all other crabs this is me:

Oh hush PETA relax I was just kidding. I found that claw BEFORE we found his brother.

Later the ocean tried to eat Tiffany and I

Tiffany escaped, but she ran away and refused to help me

That's ok though.. it got her later

Still hungry, it came after Shelly

She fought it as it was sucking her in

She made it out alive as did all of us

Our reward?

Which by the way melts VERY quickly in 100° weather

Slapdash Spectulation Saturday

2009-06-20T06:49:00.007-04:00

A week is the longest you can reuse a coffee filter.

Recycled for a week coffee filters will spew coffee grounds and coffee all over the kitchen counter.

The spare coffee carafe and paper towels are good for straining coffee grounds out of coffee.

This week was a shitty one for pretty much everyone. I am glad it's over.

"The Hangover" is absolutely THE funniest movie I have ever seen. Don't wait for PPV go see it NOW while the laughter is contagious throughout the entire theater. Be prepared for your gut to hurt.

My bank wants me to put money in my account that I don't have so it doesn't close my account. I guess I will have to rob a bank to get the money. Wait.. that's like robbing Peter to pay Paul and I am totally against that.

Maybe I'll rob a liquor store; they probably have more money than the banks do right now anyway. That's more like robbing the rich to give to the poor. I am OK with that!

For another laugh.. go see Margo She has a great joke posted.

To laugh and cry all in one post go see Cowguy It is THE best post I have read in a while

Feeling bad about yourself. Check out my new post on Positively Powerful

*Slapdash

The male brain explained

2009-06-19T16:00:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I explained how my brain works. Today, I thought I'd explain the male brain.

We all know the male thinks about the same things 24/7 365 (or 366) days a year. Sex, Sports, Beer, Cars, Planes, etc. This is because they all share one universal brain. The Universal Brain (referred to as UB) is filled with other knowledge like important dates, nice things to say to women and how to act like a human being instead of a Neanderthal.

Now because of the UB all the men in the world have to take turns using it. If you man only talks about the "same things" mentioned above, then you know it is not his turn to use UB.

When he starts using the "other knowledge" then you know it is his turn to use it.

What they don't know is that the women have the schedule, so we know when it is his turn to use it. That's fitting isn't it, we take care of everything else, we might as well have the UB schedule as well. So even if it is not his scheduled time, he won't know it and we get to make him use it. He's not smart enough to check the schedule, so we get to use it to our advantage.

Beware though, on the days he is scheduled, he might actually use it to write down his next scheduled time. Fear not though, we can always tell him the schedule changed. He won't think anything of it, because it is not actually his scheduled time, he will have "other things" on his mind.

There you go! No more research necessary

Now you know

2009-06-18T01:30:00.004-04:00

For a while now, I have been trying to figure out a visual way to explain to you how my brain works.

I have a really seemingly annoying habit/possible disorder. It doesn't bother me a bit, but I think it irritates the hell out of my family and/or friends.

For as long as I can remember, if someone says something that is similar to a movie quote, or a song, I will bust out and continue singing the song or quoting the movie.

For example, if someone says "what we have here...." I will cut them off and say "is a failure to communicate" Or "we might as well..." I'll cut in with "be walking on the sun"

Now I don't normally interrupt people, because it's just plain rude. As long as they don't say something that causes me to bust out in song, I leave them alone. I wonder if this is a disorder, or just something I do that irritates the piss out of people.

Nothing has really been able, in my opinion, to express to you all what I mean.

I posted this

But that is EVERY woman's brain and didn't fully explain what I meant.

I kept searching for another visual and nothing was right.
That is, until, I saw Microsoft's Bing commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1AwFY6MuwE

That explains it all.

I am glad I was finally able to explain, it was driving me crazyier.

What, you don't believe someone's brain in THAT whacked in reality? My daughter should be along shortly to confirm this.

If you live in or are visiting Central Florida, clear the roads

2009-06-17T07:13:00.007-04:00

That's right folks, my 18 year old daughter finally mustered up the courage to get her drivers license. Click that link if you are interested in the first part of her story. I'll wait. Oh good, you're back. For those of you who didn't click here's a little summary. She has been terrified of driving. Now the reality of the real adult world has hit her, she knows she needs to drive. So, yestererday her daddy took her to the DMV. She had a driver's ed waiver and she was hoping she could just go and get her pic taken and be done with it. Here is the rest of her story taken from her blog. (think Law and Order here...) BA BA BUUUUUM:

When I got up to the desk at the DMV, I told the lady about my waiver, and she's silent as she's typing in information.

Please, please, please, let it still be in the system still. Please.

"It's not here," she says.

Shit.

"What you can do is you can either call up your school and ask why the info isn't there, or take the driving test here today. If there isn't any room, we can fit you in another time if you make an appointment."

I pondered the thought about the possibility of having to come another time, that way I could practice a little bit more. So I went for it.

"I could do it today," I tell her.

She checks to see if there are any openings for today. . . . Of course there is.

I had to fill out some paper work, get my picture taken and was told to sit down.

A few minutes later, while I was waiting for my impending doom, a kid and one of the driving instructors came in from just doing a driving test.

The instructor looked mean. He looked like an alcoholic bouncer. He wore a Hawaiian shirt as if he just back from vacation and his hair was white and about as long as Hulk Hogan's. (Its pretty sad I compared his hair length to a person such as Hulk, I know.) As he took off his dark sunglasses, he let out a long, tiring I can't believe I'm still alive sigh.

I prayed I wouldn't get him. He didn't look like fun at all.

"Tiffany?" I hear my name. I look up and it's him. Alcoholic Hawaiian Bouncer man.

We walk outside and he says, "I'm Milt and I'll be your instructor for today."

Right off the bat, he was nicer than I thought.

"You seem nervous. Are you?" he asks me.

"Uhh, you can, you can say that," I say.

"Well, don't be."

Easy for you to say.

He also mentions that he hasn't failed anybody since last Friday.

"I'm on a pretty good streak," he says.

You might not be after you get through with me, man.

After checking the lights and whatnot, we begin the test.

As soon as we get in the car, Milt puts his hands in front of the air vents and says, "Oh man, cold air conditioning. Awesome."

He looks over at me and explains, "Oh, the kid that I had before you, his car had air conditioning, but all it blew was hot air. It was miserable."

That explains the expression on his face when I saw him the first time.

I calmed down a bit and the course went pretty smooth.

In Driver's Ed, we had to do the Three-Point-Turn or Turn-a-bout as some people call 'em, and I couldn't master the stupid thing for the life of me.

When it was time for me to do it this time, I did it very well. Better than I thought.
I had trouble parking, but I didn't hit any cones. I was just off center a bit.

The rest of the ride was smooth. Because the course took place in the parking lot (that was also the parking lot for an entire plaza), I drove like a turtle. Slow and steady wins the race, my friends.

And it did, because I got my license.

The maximum points you can get before failing is 31. I got 25. Lol.

"I almost failed you," he admits at the end. "But I didn't because the areas you made mistakes in easily can improve by more practice. I trust you that you'll do just that. Overall, good job."

YEAH! TAKE THAT SOCIETY!

Also: later on in the evening, I volunteered to get ice cream at the convenient store, since my dad was craving some. My mom's monster of a car is something I need to get used to, and my mom hesitated a bit to let me go.

"I'll take the back roads," I told her.

". . . .Eh, alright, fine," she tells me.

I've only driven by myself once before and it was only from my grandma's house to my own. We're separated by at least five houses.

It was exhilarating, driving by myself. On my way to the store, I got lost. On BACKROADS. Lol. Why these things happen to me, I don't know. I turned down the wrong street, and turned around in someone's driveway.

I am definitely more comfortable by myself when driving than I am with people. People in the car with me make me nervous. . . .but I hope to soon get over that.

Finally getting to the store, I spotted a parking space next to a truck. I did it effortlessly. It was amazing. I almost took a picture with my cellphone to show my parents. . . .but then I changed my mind.

Driving is not so bad. I'm not as scared as I was. I still have yet to drive with traffic though. Gulp.

But we'll get there, when we get there.

So please... head over there and give her some congrats, or at the very least send me some money to cover my skyrocketing insurance. With The Boy (17) already with an accident on his record, and now her, I need all the help I can get.

I joke, but I am very proud of both kids.

The Zombie Apocalypse happening now RUN!

2009-06-15T01:00:00.002-04:00

Last night, I was attacked by zombies. But don't worry, I am NOT a Zombie. Yes.. I am sure. It would have been evident by now. These weren't just normal slow moving moaning, leg dragging undead. These were fast zombies. They had VERY sharp piranha like teeth. They came from nowhere. No news warnings or anything. Just BOOM! there they were. When they bit the people, those unlucky souls IMMEDIATELY transformed into these unholy wraiths. There was no waiting like in the movies. If they got into our house, the government instructed that we do NOT shoot or kill these freeking banshees. WTF?!?! We had to lock them in a room and keep away from them.

There were a bunch of kids outside. Knocking politely on the door At first we were not going to let them in the house. Then we saw that they we not infected and opened the door. They were selling lotion. The animals did not seem to be affected. That is good because we have 4 of them.

Anyway, somehow one of the freekin undead got past our defenses nicked my face with his tooth just above my left upper lift. It was not enough to turn me into one of them. It was just enough to paralyze my left side upper lip. My husband said it looked like I had a stroke, but it actually turned it upwards into a permanent Elvis Presley sneer.

The preceding was an actual prophetic dream I had last night. I felt the need to warn you all!

I hope you have your Zombie Survival guide and your Zombie-proof bunkers ready.

Be sure to check out my MentalCSR post for today

I have a serious problem..

2009-06-13T08:03:00.006-04:00

I have OCADAPPTSD I'm not sure if I should seek medical attention or say "Fuck it" and let it ride.

Don't bother Googling it, I am sure it s not a recognized disorder yet. What is it you may ask?

Obsessive-Compulsive Attention Deficit Addictive Personality Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Mouthful huh? Maybe that is why it is not recognized,; no one wants to say it.

I have an addictive personality. Once I am hooked on whatever new thing I find, I think about it day and night. I must play it, sell on it, blog on it or post on it.
If there is something to be figured out.. I will spend DAYS trying to solve whatever the problem.

In some cases I have auditory hallucinations. Case in point:
My whole family has become Call of Duty: World at War addicts. It is now THE first thing I do when I get up in the morning. That first thing used to be Ebaying, then posting on Mylot, then blogging oh be right back my turn to play the game ...

Ok back damn they were killing us!

Do you see what I mean? I can't even get through a blog post without stopping to kill people.

I digress

The auditory hallucinations? In the game, there is an option for artillary. It plays a siren as it happens. At work yesterday, that's ALL could hear. Sad really.
Also, when I close my eyes, I see scenes from the game. At night, I get startled awake because someone just shot me, stabbed me, grenaded me or ran past me (Now you understand the PTS part)

This is why I am SO very glad:
1. That I am broke
B. There are no drugs readily available
III. That everyone loves me

What do you all think? Should I seek medical help?

OH New Poll in right sidebar! Go vote! If you have not already moved on to another addiction

Reason number 5,276 NOT to share your sexual past with hubby

2009-06-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

Because he will throw it in your face during an argument? Maybe. But MY reason is he will tell your children what a bad girl you were in the good ole days.

You see, when I was a teen at worked at a famous sub making shop. I kinda had a crush on the guy I was working the weekend midnight shift. We were dead and bored. So we made "baking bread be back in 15 min sign" on the door and locked it. We went back into the storage room and errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr kinda embarrassing.. but we ... ahem "baked bread" That was a free foot long! KIDDING he wasn't THAT big. SHUT UP! Like YOU'VE never done it in a sub shop. Liars ALL of you.

Anyway fast forward to last night. My daughter is looking for a job. She had mentioned that there is supposed to be a new famous sub shop opening here in our little city. Hubby told her that she didn't wanna work there, that she'd do bad things. My daughter, have NO clue what he meant, said "That's Mom, not me! I wouldn't do anything bad" She asked me if I smoked dope while I was on the job. I said "No" and tried to leave it at that. She said "What did you 'bau-chica-wow-wow'?" I couldn't hide my embarrassed smile fast enough.. she saw it and has now sworn that place and all other restaurants off altogether.

THAT my friends is another reason not to share shit with your S/O

Check out today's post at my new blog MentalCSR

My mental health day at Sea World

2009-06-10T07:11:00.005-04:00

We had a blast a Sea World Monday! I rode Manta twice.. not in a row though.. I didn't think people wanted to wear my lunch. Manta kicks ass! It is Sea World's newest coaster.

You are on your stomach the whole time! You almost believe you can fly. Good thing THEY control the harness and the ankle cuffs.

Then we went to go see Shamu in the underwater viewing tank and discovered he was just as happy to see us as we were to see him. Look closely and and you can see his mega-lipstick

Damn that thing is huge. I wanna be a whorish female orca. Oh shit.. did i just type that out loud? Oh well

Then we rode Kracken, the other coaster, which is still fun, but Manta's got it beat by a long shot.

Off into the AC where we watched a show. We watched "A'lure" The dancers and gymnasts were amazingly talented.
It was about a fisherman who gets pulled into the ocean and discovers an underwater freak show.

The costumes make me think that whomever was in charge ordering them was too high to remember to order them in time for the first show. So he called "~~Hideous~~Costumes R Us" and said, "Dude I am so screwed, can you send me 100 of your most brightly neon colored skin suits, sew some bright neon tie-died tulle around the waist, oh and 100 light blue neon wigs with chin straps?"

Really.. would YOU wear these anywhere but in a dark room filled with 200 strangers 3 times a day? Well you might, but not I.

The show was pretty good. There was an evil sea queen in it and towards the end the fisherman saved them all from her. While standing by her throne, he took he scepter and pointed at her. A bunch of smoke cam rushing around her and POOF she was gone.
There was a kid sitting behind us who had been quiet up until this point. He asked his mom "What happened to the queen Mommy" When she didn't answer, her repeated the question. Her reply? Not unlike one me or any other frustrated mom would make. She said "He killed her." I laughed so hard. We heard not a peep out of him the rest of the show.

At the beginning of the show they took the fisherman's skull cap from him and played keep away with it. He never got it back. I'm not sure if it pissed anyone else off like it did me'

Oh shit look at the time. I have 19 minutes to get ready for work. Good thing its only a 45 second drive from here.

I've started another blog

2009-06-08T07:49:00.004-04:00

What's that? Why yes I am mental thank you for asking. In fact, my new blog is called MentalCSR. (or click on the link in my header.) It chronicles all things that have to do with my job as a customer service rep. Dumb callers, my crazy co-workers, dealing with telemarketers, or the dumb things that I do while ~~in hell~~ at work. On there now are things from this blog, there's only 15 entries, so if you are bored and need a laugh.. there you go. There is an email link on the sidebar of Mental CSR, so if you would like to be a co-writer, you can let me know.

I am taking a mental health day today to go to Sea World with the fam, so I won't be able to comment on your blogs.

What the hell am I doing out of bed?

2009-06-07T06:48:00.005-04:00

It's 6:30 on a SUNDAY morning. Oh wait.. I know.. it's the idiot 13 year old boy and his friend playing basketball in the road across the street. I let my dog out, before I knew they were out there and barked his head off at them probably waking up the rest of the neighborhood. This just confirms my daughter's theory that they are vampires

I opened my door and said "Really? 6:30 on a Sunday morning and you all are out here playing basketball!" Did they stop? Nooooooooooooooooooo They just gave me that stupid look that all males give when they're not sure if they've been insulted, yelled out, praised or if they're going to get laid.

FUCK!

Well I'm up now. They are just lucky I didn't go on a drinking binge last night or they'd be wearing that basketball in a hole where it won't quite fit.

Maybe I'll go sit on the front porch and watch them play.. that ought to creep em out!

and you people wonder why I'm mental..

2009-06-06T08:53:00.006-04:00

If you have ever wanted to see me in my bra holding a pussy, you need to go theck out my daughter's video blog. I will wait.. it is hilarious and not as kinky as it sounds.... perverts. Just make sure you comment, then come back here to read my post:

This is part of a conversation I had with a contractor calling before they dig:

I verified all of their company mailing information, she said "Yes, that's correct"

I asked her another question and she said.. "Wait, I don't think the mailing address for our company is correct, what do you have?"

I read it again. She says "I don't know where you got that information, but that is wrong"

Through clenched teeth I said "Oh I'm sorry that is the info that was already in our system for your company, when I read it to you, you said it was correct"

Like the bitch she is she said, "Well it's not correct, I need to change it"

So we changed it.

I then asked her who the field contact would be if any questions should arise.

She gave me a first name. We have to have 1st and last name. She puts me on hold to get and answer. I was on hold F O R E V E R. After 3 minutes, we are allowed to ~~hang up on the dumbass~~ release the call. After 2 minutes and 52 seconds, she returns with the last name and phone number.

I asked a couple of more questions, she answered.. then says

"Wait, what do you mean by field contact"

Muting her and letting out an exasperated sigh, I took her off mute and said "The person in the field they can contact if there are any questions."

She says "From my company?"

I said "WHOEVER!"

"Oh well let me change that then, I gave you the number for a homeowner in that community"

O M G

Moving on..

I asked, "How deep will you be digging at the deepest?"

"Yes we will be digging"

Sigh

"OOOOOOOOOK.. and how deep will you be digging at the deepest?"

"10 inches"

Thank you, and will you be using machinery to dig?"

"OH we're not digging."

~~"WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"~~ "Well then, there is no reason to have this service then. This is call before you dig. We charge the utilities to go out and mark the lines so you won't cut into them when you dig"

"Well, obviously aren't going to be digging where the lines are marked, but we need to know where they are first"

~~No shit Sherlock, that is the reason for this service"~~ "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight that's purpose of this free service"

"We are going to be digging 6in"

I wish these calls weren't recorded

"So 6in not 10in?"

"Correct"

"And will you be using machinery to dig?"

"I don't know"

"Ok, I will put "yes" to be on the safe side"

"What do you mean by machinery"

WOW

"Anything that is powered by a machine and not a shovel"

"Oh yes.. we will be using a backhoe"

OMFG!

Moving on, I successfully get county city and address. Then I ask for the intersecting street closest to the address.

I get the standard "There isn't one"

I give the standard "dumbass" reply, "It has to come off of some road somewhere."

"Oh it's.. Smith Rd"

"Is that within 1/4 mile from the property?"

"No"

"Approx how far is it then?"

If you are wondering, this is NOT me being bitchy, I HAVE to know in order to notify the correct utilities

"I'll have to put you on hold to find out"

"Thank you"

At this point I wrapped my headset cord around my neck stood up in my chair and threatened to jump. Really, I did! A cool teamleader/friend threatened to beat my ass if I didn't get down. She's kinda scary, so I did.

After 2 minutes and 43 seconds on hold , she comes back.

"It's not within a 1/4 mile, it's at the NW corner of the intersection."

Right about then, my brain exploded at the stupidity of this woman.

After I wiped the gray matter of of my monitor, I mumbled something about "at the corner IS within 1/4 mile"

When I asked what part of the property she was digging, she didn't know. She didn't bother to put me on hold this time, she just yelled "Where will we be digging"

The reply, "At the guard shack" So I asked "In the front, the rear, the side? What part of the guard shack?"

"Where the white spray painted lines are"

I said I don't see your white lines on the map, I have to tell the utilities specifically where you will be digging."

She said, "Oh well the rain might have washed away the white lines and that's why you can't see them."

Shoot me now

I said "Nooooooooooooooooooo I can't see them because I am sitting in an office at a computer 7 counties north of where you plan to dig. So what part of the guard shack do you need marked.

"The whole thing"

"Is the address you gave me the address for the guard shack?"

"No, that the address for a house inside the community"

I'm ready to jump again

"Then I will take the address off because it has nothing to do with the area you are digging"

"Well how are the going to find it then?"

"Didn't you tell me the guard shack was at the NW corner of Smith Rd and Williams St?"

"Yes, but that's not where it is"

~~ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?~~ "Then where is the guard shack?"

"I don't know"

I said, "Can I speak to the person you have been asking all of the questions?"

"Why?"

"Because it seems he is more knowledgeable about the job site than you are, it would just be easier for me to speak to them"

With a sigh, she yells "SHE WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU"

He get's on the phone asked me what the problem is. I explain what I needed to know. He tells me, "The guard shack is at 2000 Williams St"
I explained to him that she told me that address was a house inside the community.

He said, "No ma'am that is address is the actual address for the guard shack."

"Thank you, you can put her back on the phone now."

I finished the call and went on break.

Now do you understand why I need chocolate Vicodin, Valium and Vodka?

It's the little things that kill.. er I mean make me happy

2009-06-05T06:24:00.005-04:00

Diane at More Mindless Rambling bribed me with promises of chocolate, tequila and Vicodin to write about six unimportant things that make me happy. Go check her out, she is hilarious and you won't be disappointed. NO I am not sharing my chocolate, drugs or alcohol with you if you do. Just GO!

1. Having the upper hand over people who call my workplace and act like idiots thinking they know more about my job than I do only to crush their spirits by telling them like it is and having my supervisor and HER supervisor and finally her supervisor telling her exactly the same thing I told them an hour prior. (Ugh sorry about the run on sentence) "Told you so"

2. ALWAYS winning battles with my 17 year old son.. it really pisses him off when he realizes he just CAN'T win. (WOW I am a bit of a control freak huh?)

3. Coming home at the end of the day and having 3 of the four pets happy to see me and then my cat curling up on me and purring. (the fourth pet is a demon kitten from hell who doesn't give a shit about anybody but herself and my daughter)

4. Being silly and stupid in public with my family and not giving a damn what other people think.

5. Knowing that in (checking my "Weeds" counter) 3 days 15 hours minutes 17 minutes 14 seconds and counting, one of my favorite shows will be back on the air.

6. I am addicted to my computer.

Now I am supposed to tag 6 others, but I am not going to do that because you will expect me to share aforementioned goodies ~~IF she ever comes good on her promise~~

If you have nothing to blog about, now you have free shit to post. Just let me know, 'cause I wanna read it!

This IS a COMEDY Channel, right?

2009-06-04T05:47:00.006-04:00

The other night we were watching some stand-up comics on Comedy Central.

One was Jim Gaffigan talking about Hot Pockets:

I can't remember who the other one was, but he was equally as funny.
So our whole family is laughing our asses off watching these hilarious guys. Then, commercial time.
Still laughing and talking about what we have seen so far, we are drawn back to the mind gooing machine to the sounds of somber music. It was a commercial for the World Wildlife Foundation about saving the polar bears from extinction

It was like 1 minute being on a cocaine high (or so I've heard) and the next like hitting the morphine plunger. What the fuck are the producers thinking? Why would you want to do that to your audience?

After wiping the tears of sadness and putting my credit card away, the show ended. Then there was another episode. YAY. Like I said before, I can't remember who the other comedian was, so I am going to pretend it was Brian Regan; one of my all time favorites. He is a clean comic and absolutely hilarious!
This clip is about eye examinations:

Jokes.com

Brian Regan - Get Your Eyes Checked

dians.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day

Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games

Again it goes to commercial. We all now have tears rolling talking about how true this is.
Once again, the sounds of sadness and depression come from the speakers:

OHHHHHHHHHHHH here comes the morphine. Now our hearts are broken again because we have 2 dogs and 2 cats who are spoiled rotten and just don't realize how good they have it.

Again, what the hell are the producers thinking. You can't just can't give us a Red Bull and then take our ponies away. That's just plain wrong!

Now we don't dare watch the stand-up shows. We are afraid they are going to show us baby seals getting clubbed.

Why can't they show funny commercials like this? ( I LOVED this one when it was onTV)

or this

Oh that's right, because they're banned... sigh

Dear Nazi KFC cashiers..

2009-06-03T06:24:00.003-04:00

When I came in a few weeks ago for your free grilled chicken meal, I was disappointed that I got fried chicken instead. That's ok, it was a popular promotion, you were busy, things got mixed up. I understand.

Yesterday I came in for my paid meal. I want to clear up something you may be confused about menus. Menus have choices for people to choose what they want. So when I ordered the grilled chicken meal for the first time, I was taken aback by your dictation of what my sides would be when I hadn't ordered them yet. You barked "Mashed potatoes and coleslaw!" I said, "Um nooooooooo I WANT mac and cheese and green beans" You looked at me like a just grew a penis out of my forehead.

It wasn't just you though, your drive-thru Nazi did the same thing to my friend who got there after I did. Only she demanded my friend have mashed potatoes and baked beans.

Also, the 9 minute wait on biscuits at lunch time? Unacceptable. Don't you people know when you're running low. I'll give you a hint. When it is 11 o'clock and you are down to 2 biscuits including the one that fell on the floor.. you need to make more.

Your grilled chicken? REALLY? You actually promote that shit on TV? It sooooooooo wasn't worth the wait. I could make better yard bird following recipes from the Zombie Chicken Cookbook and they use rotten chicken. Needless to say, I will NOT be back to your particular store. The Colonel is rolling in his grave watching you people in action.

Signed,

Pissed off former patron

The 1 thing Discovery Channel confirmed for me last night.

2009-06-02T06:29:00.006-04:00

The male species is just plain DUMB
"You and me baby we ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" Yeah... no.

My husband and I were watching a program about the wildlife in Yellowstone National Park. It was about surviving. Which means mating, which in turn leads to a male elk rolling around in it's own urine. I don't know about you ladies, but if my husband were ever to roll around in is own urine in hopes of getting laid, I would have him committed. BLECH.

Male elk, during mating season will make a god-awful sound to indicate 3 things. 1. They are horny. 2. To claim their harem. 3. To pick a fight with any potential challengers. I KNOW! Who the hell goes out looking for a fight?. Only males. They also engage in the act of rutting to the death. They try to overpower each other like sumo wrestlers and pierce one another's neck with their 50 pound racks. No not boobs. Antlers. I know I put the image of sumo wrestlers in your head so rack = boobs. But I meant antlers. Sometimes their antlers get hopelessly locked and the two enemies die together starving to death. Do you see how dumb they are?

Anyway, the winner, whether by killing the opponent or overpowering them get to screw all of the whorey little female elks in the harem. This assured the strong but not-so-smart genes get carried on for generations. The loser sulks off somewhere and pouts, not only defeated but blue balled as well. But what the animal species does not understand is that there is ALWAYS some female out there that was rejected, abandoned and desperate as well and the male could always score and screw her. Especially if he gets her drunk first. What? OHHHHHHHHH that part only works with homo-sapiens.
So this whole fighting to the death thing is stupid. Survival of the fittest? Maybe.. but what about intelligence?

Then there is the male bear. Right before they hibernate, the gluttonous slobs have to pack on 50 pounds a day. They go out looking for food. When it is scarce, they head for the mountains where they can feed on the millions of moths that migrate there for the winter. If the male bear sees some cubs with mama bear. He will try to eat the cubs and then hook up with mom. Now you are understanding what I am saying right? What mom in their right mind would hook-up with a dumb ass bear that just ate her children? Not the one last night.. she fought his stupid ass all the way down the mountain. Then high tailed it outta there.

Which brings me to the buffalo. They spray the ground with their scent, then roll around in it (dumb) and wait for the challenger to arrive. The challenger, in turn, pisses on the ground, rolls in it, and waits for a response. Then they butt heads until one of them gives up and runs away. What is it with rolling in piss and head butting.

Now we come to the human male. Supposedly more advanced and more intelligent than their animal counter parts. The only thing they have going for them versus the animals is that they do NOT roll in their own piss (not that we know of anyway.) But this is why there is boxing and wrestling. because for some reason grown men can resist the urge to beat the shit out of one another until they are bloody, injured and /or unconscious. Does the winner get laid? Probably not right away because he hurts too damn bad. The loser? Well if he's lucky, he gets to go home and get laid in a week or 2. If not, he ends up in ICU. When he gets out and is healed, does he change professions? Hell no, he goes and picks another damn fight. Intelligent, huh?

Seriously, I don't understand how either the animal or the human species has been able to survive this long.

Oh by the way, if you are still reading this and you are female, I know you understand. If you are still reading and are male, I know you know I am all about humor and did not intend to offend you. So thanks for reading all the way through.

June 1st YAY!

2009-06-01T06:16:00.003-04:00

The beginning of hurricane season. This is the time of year we get soaked, blown, sweaty, exhausted and left in the dark. Sounds kinky huh? It's also the time, where later on in the year we go hurricane and school shopping all in one trip. We go from Target to Home Depot then to the grocery store.
We get socks, underwear, and paper. Then flashlights and batteries, then food. Why 3 stores? Because for me at least I know everybody and their brother will be at the Super Wal-Fart doing the same shopping and I truly despise that store. Although, with the economy the way it is, I will probably be among the herd being prodded as I am corralled into that God-forsaken place, ramming into others' carts and beating someone over the head for the last flashlight or last package of paper or last jar of peanut butter.

It's also the time of year where the doom and gloom forecasters will tell us how active this season will be. Then we get more panicked, digging an underground bunker suitable for the Zombie Apocalypse that I am sure will happen, spending money we don't have, only to find that the "active season" only applies to the storms in the Atlantic that never reach us.

Then we are stuck eating baked beans and peanut butter sandwiches for the next nine months like we are pregnant and craving weird food combinations. SIGH

I know I know mocking you all in my head
It's better to be prepared and not need it then not be prepared and have to wait on the roof waiting to be rescued from the Zombies"

Bite me

thing that makes you go ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

2009-05-31T13:31:00.002-04:00

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day .

Public Service announcement # 9847

2009-05-30T10:40:00.008-04:00

This is for all women out there who have their car in the shop or need to get work done on their car and have no man to help them know they are about to be ripped off by a seedy mechanic.

You headlights and blinkers do NOT need fluid. Really! They don't.

If you were able to drive your car to the mechanic; your transmission is NOT missing. You wouldn't be able drive your car. Furthermore, your car, no matter how big it is, does NOT need 2 transmissions.

It does not matter where your tires on your car. They are supposed to be rotated regularly. Don't let the mechanic charge you $50 per tire because "the right side is on the left"

The cigarette lighter is cheap, do not let them "throw it in for free" but charge $70 to install it.

Make sure you check for clunking sounds yourself before you take your car in, they just might charge you $300 for removing the bowling ball from your trunk.

It is NOT a 710 knob, it's an oil cap. Don't let them charge you $50 for a new one.

On a totally unrelated note, my daughter has entered a scholarship contest. She had to submit original photos and make a statement "I wish" the rest of the sentence has to match the picture .. please go here You don't have to sign up or anything.. just scroll down click "vote" then when you get redirected click "confirm vote." Above the pic, you can vote for her other entries as well. It will only take an extra couple seconds and you might help save me some money if she wins. You can vote everyday.

Things that piss me off

2009-05-29T06:43:00.006-04:00

In no particular order, here are things that twist my twat in a bad way:

People that ride a turn lane that is 3/4 mile long, when they don't intend on turning until the end of the lane. I stick my cars nose out there so they have to go around me.

People that call my company thinking they have dialed the utility company and then get all pissy and argue when I try to explain we can't fix the phone box that has the cover falling off of it, because we don't own any utility equipment. Sorry, that is not what we do! That's like calling a pizza place and demanding that they deliver a cheeseburger.

Me, when I go to the grocery store, buy $200 worth of groceries, get them rung up and realize my debit card is in my pocket... at home. (it happens more often than I would like to admit.)

When people talk on their cell phones in a public restroom.. blech.

Celebrities and politicians (that's a given)

Some of the scary looking people they hire to do commercials.

My A/C breaking in the summer (It's fixed now by the way wooooooooooohooooooooo)

My closest shrinking my clothes (can the Maytag man fix that?)

People that drive with just their parking lights on at night. Dumbasses

Grown men who drive piece of shit cars with piece of shit stereo systems that go boom. Don't they know that damn car will rattle apart at any moment?

When I ask my daughter to put my clothes in the dryer so I can go to bed and she "forgets."

I have been at work for an hor and a half and was just reminded of a couple more:

People that can't answer yes or no to yes or no questions

People that feel like they have to tell you their life story when you ask them a question that requires a one or 2 word answer.

When I ask for area code and phone number and people give me their zip code. When I ask again, they say "I just gave you my area code". Listen nimrod .. Aiiiiiiirea cooooooooode and phoooooooooooone nuuuuuuuuumber

Confessions to my mother

2009-05-28T05:36:00.005-04:00

Now that I am 29g and can do as I damn well please (though she heard that when I was 16, 17 and 18) I thought it's time to get some things off of my chest. She is a regular read of my blog and now that she can't ground me or punish me in any way I figure what the hell. Some of these things she may already know and just never let on that she knew. I love you Mom!

Lets see.. where to start..

When I was 2 I took my diaper off and.... oh wait you were there for that ok fine... we shall jump in the time machine and go to about 16

In 10th grade, we had a cool Business Math teacher.. all he asked is that we stuck our head in the door to check in. If he had a test.. we had to stay.. if not.. would could stay or go.. but if we went and got caught wandering the campus.. he would deny ever seeing us. Needless to say, I never went to that class, but I got a passing grade. Maybe that's why I suck at handling money now.

I would regularly sneak out of the window with a boyfriend (Chris) and go to parties. I was always scared shitless because I just KNEW that dad would hear us sneaking back in at 5:30AM when he was getting up. Luckily for me, he never did.

I used to take your $1 bills you were saving for a radio contest.. thanks to me.. you never won $5000 or whatever the prize was for having the matching serial numbers.. I'm sorry. Really I feel bad.

I really WAS drunk when I wrecked my first car.

I had come back from a birthday party. I sobered right up as soon as I hit whatever I hit. Work was hell that next day. Luckily it was a Sunday and we were dead. The cool managers were there and let me lay on the break room table until they ABSOLUTELY needed me. That day DID scare me. I know know when I am too drunk to drive and will NOT. At least I learned from THAT stupid mistake.

I got served my first drink in a bowling alley. I bet my cousin, yes same cousin I always get in trouble with (my idea, not hers) that I would get served. I went up to the bar and said "Long Island Iced Tea please"
Bartender never carded me. It was the nastiest drink ever.. but we drank it!

On to 17...

Remember when I "spent the night at a friends house" and called you from a pay phone at 7:30 in the morning with some bullshit story that friends mom went into labor and dropped me off at the gas station? Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah the thing is.. The night before, I got a ride to a party in the woods that got busted by the cops. I ran with a friend all night through some woods, slept in a couple of front yards before I called you. THAT'S why I was all dirty.. not because friend and I were wrestling outside.

Cousin and I didn't go see "Misery" that night. We went to *Church Street Station in Orlando (now that we knew where it was) and hung out there all night. Her idea.. not mine. *Church Street Station was a happenin place back then, arcades, bars, shows on the street, vendors, restaurants.. lots of fun.

I was drunk the night Chris and Jeff brought me into the house and they told you "I wasn't feeling well" as the pulled the covers all the way up to my nose so you couldn't smell my breath. I had passed out on Jeff's front lawn, threw up in Chris' car before they decided I couldn't hang with them anymore

Ok.. that's all for now. I feel much better having got that off of my chest. Though I am sure that at some level you didn't want to believe any of this of your baby girl, I am glad you never let on or grounded me for it.

Fear not.. Mother's curse works. I have "The Boy" as payback from you.

I love you!

Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy

Surviving my childhood Part 2 AKA Dumpster Diving

Surviving my childhood Part 1

My dad , his euphenisims and a nephrectomy

Revelations ... no not of biblical proportions

It's been so long I don't know if I remember how to blog...

could it be?

Signs of addiction to a 1st person shooter game

Mad Lib Monday: Prom Night Part 1

Reader Participation Sunday

Happy Hour Friday

Something About Otin

WTF is it?

Blog Blahs

Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness.. Quirky.. this one is for you!

Sorry to see you go.....

Wednesday Whatnots

Happy Humpday Eve Funnies

Mad Lib Monday: A TV Horror Show

Reader Participation Sunday.. It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Yes I am nuts! Why do you ask?

I don't have a title for this post

Another Email Gem

United States of the Offended

It sounds dirty, but it's not

Bad Chili

Kitties!

Happy Hour Friday

My "I have nothing to blog about" post

I Survived!

Somebody call the paddy wagon.. I have officially lost it!

My faith in humanity has been restored!

Should I be ashamed?

My very first REAL vlog

George Carlin's take on the 10 Commandments

People Who Drive Me Crazy

Do you think Linus ever did THIS to his blanket?

George Carlin the late great philosopher

Nothing like a little Robot CHicken to start my day

Your comments are back!

Gimmie something to vlog about

Humpeve Funnies Redux

My life on Twitter aka reasons you should be following me if you aren't already ;)

That's just naaaaaaaaaaaaasty

Why women are smarter than men.

South Beach Part Dos

South Beeeeeeeeeeach --Finally!

My journey into the Darkside

NO MORE FUNKY COMMENT BOXES!

A funny thing happened at Dunkin Donuts yesterday

South Florida trip Day 2 Butterfly World

South Florida trip Day 1.. Now with missing video!

Snap back to reality..

ahhh a mini vacay!

Do painkillers cause yeast infections? *Explicit Content Warning*

Would you rather read my blog or..

Dear pets

Things I learned this weekend.

Dirty Friday Funnies for my gutter minded friends

I can't make this stuff up, I'm not THAT good.

Tequila; the mind eraser, blackmailer

A fool and his money soon part...

Thank you for visiting Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy

The pets and their housekeeping staff live here

Is cricket poop bad for you to inhale?

What's my name again?

I'd LOVE to fall for your scam!!! Where do I sign up?

Florida redneck window repair

Yesterday was the best day I had in a long time!

Happy Birthday America

Things I learned while channel surfing

You want to do WHAT with that stick?

What a bargain! NOT

Have you ever...

The look on her face at the end makes the whole commercial

Some legal ways to seek long distance revenge.

Friday funny and Gross funny shit bonus!

Gone mental

Ever had one of those days in just an hours time?

Do you CBC?

Do painkillers cause yeast infections? Explicit Content Warning